I've Got My Love Back !

Last night was indeed a night to remember. I will never forget what happened last night. He came back from his class around 12 in the midnight I guess. I did something completely stupid, I took 5 panadols at the same time , drank a bottle of beer before he got back home. So what happened was, I finally found some huge guts to walk up to him and told him that we both needed to talk. I told him that I'm sorry. I was sitting just few inches away from him. I wanted to hugged him so bad but then it seems like he was still mad at me. He just looked at me and my stupid tears just flow down from my cheeks and to my surprised, the hugged that I have been longing for. He finally HUGGED ME !! I broke down and cried so badly in his arms. I hugged him so tightly and I told him this will never in a million years happened again. I just love him so much and I don't want to lose him. I asked him if we could start all over again. He have done enough for me so right now is my turn to do my part. I thought that he will never say yes, I thought that he was still mad at me even though he is hugging me. But surprisingly is a YES!!!! Only LORD knows how happy I was and how.. goodness me!! Words can't describe how I felt last night. I noticed how much I love this man yesterday, I noticed how bad I needed him in my life. I noticed how much he have done for me and all of the happiness he had given me since the day 1 we both met each other. All I ever prayed for is that we can both be together and it doesn't matter how long it's going to be. To be frank, there is this tiny eenie thing that I'm worried about. He knows a-lot of girls and they all seems to like him. I felt weird whenever I read some posts on his facebook wall posted by some girls. Should I call that a JEALOUSY? It sounds normal for him but to me is weird. Sometimes I tried to just ask myself will he feel the same way if some other guy posted something sweet on my wall? I even have this thought that it is just so ridiculous that if we fight over everything that happens in facebook. I trust him more than anything and I know very well that he would not do anything that will hurt me or make me cry. You know what, I don't want to bother myself with this crap. I just hope that nothing is going happen after this, one time is more than enough and lesson learn! Oh Lord, you have watch over us all along. Please guide us through this journey oh Lord. Amen !

Nothing To Say

Can't imagine that I slept off for a little while. It's just a short nap actually since I did not sleep well last night. Well them housemates are back and he is back too. Wonder how this night is going to be like. How I wish if mama and papa is online, need some family moments to makes me feels better. But unfortunately, they aren't online. Going back to my aunt this coming Sunday and I'm actually counting days to go back. Didn't want to leave but what else can I do if this awkward silences kept coming through? Well seems like I'm officially back to the blogging life. Miss those days where I actually have all the free time to log in and to write about any crap that is inside of this big head. But then plenty of things kept me away from logging. I just prayed that there won't be any teary night and I just want to close my eyes and makes the night move faster. Wish the morning comes a little faster so it can reach Sunday and I will be back home. Did I eventually think too much? Because I seems to get depressed more than yesterday and all the appetite is gone. I don't feel like eating, don't feel myself at all. Sigh, this whole thing is killing me. Oh Lord, I want it to end right now. If it takes any longer I will end up dying. My mind is empty and is blank like a piece of white paper. Waiting for him to hug me once again is like waiting for the rain in this drought. For how long do I have to wait for him to actually talk to me like before and to look at me in the eyes again? If only I have a car, I will just take the keys and leave the house. Drive to somewhere far, to somewhere where no one can find me. To somewhere there is no depression and heart ache. My body is here in this house but the heart and soul is not here. He is just right next to me but the feeling of couldn't hug him nor talking to him like we used to is killing me. I'm logging out, the more I write , the more I'm gonna think about it.

Night and have a blessed day !!

Boyz II Men - More Than You'll Ever Know ft. Charlie Wilson

P.S I Love You

Having the song that I've just posted on replay. This song gives me goosebumps whenever I just close my eyes and let the song flow inside of me. I have been thinking about you throughout the day. Was wondering if you are going to come home tonight. The thought of you might be coming back and might not be coming home makes me weak. I wouldn't mind if you want to ignore me throughout the week, just keep me close with you is more than enough. Falling in love is easy but being in love is way harder than I could ever imagine. Too much of sacrifice you gotta make to be in this love. I'm not complaining, I'm ready to do it with my heart and soul but when just this mistakes comes through, everything starts to fall apart. Wonder why my blog is always about the broken heart me and is always about love. I have been through this much in relationship. Does the whole mistakes came from me? I think it is. This time it's just different, I just can't let go anymore, if I did, I know I will break down into pieces and I will never find someone like him ever again. How I wish if I am stronger than this. How I wish if I can handle this whole pain and make things right. The way he is right now, makes me feels like I will never have a chance to make things right. I saw disappointment in his eyes. He used to trust me more than anything, now that I have broke his trust. How will I able to gain it back? I'm so clueless and my mind is blank like a paper. Knowing he is gonna have to ignore me, makes me step one step backward. How much I want to feel his warm hug and his kiss but seems like it's not going to happen tonight. How will I be right here for the whole week? I want to leave but will he come back to me if I really leave? I can't imagine and I don't want to picture the how the whole image is going to be! How I wish if he knows that this blog do exists and how I wish if he could read this. What will his reaction be if he read this blog? Will he hug me tight or will he still stay a distance from me? I really hate myself, I blame myself so badly since yesterday even in my sleep. If I could have one wish, I will wish that I could turn back time to where the mistakes begin. Unfortunately, this wish will never come true. If it does, everyone on earth will make mistakes freely and turn back back time most of the time. Sometimes, I ask myself, who am I? Who is Anabelle? Where does the sweet Anabelle go? This wasn't the same Anabelle when she was a kid. This wasn't the same Anabelle my mother give birth to. Sitting in this room all alone, I'm thinking to myself. I'm such a bad girl, am I even perfect enough for him? Does this relationship really going to last forever? Am I even suitable enough to be his future wife? The answer is I DON'T KNOW. I don't predict future. But I know very well that I love him more than I love myself, more than my friends, more than my family. My family have always been my first priority, and he always comes next. But where did the respect goes? Where does the respect I used to gave him goes? Where does sweet princess he used to know goes? He always told me that crying isn't going to solve anything, but right now I am crying so badly. Because I'm letting go of what I felt inside, deep inside my heart. I don't really care he is one year younger than me. I love for who he is. He showed the different side of love that no other man in my past relationship have. He gave me everything, he did everything just to see that smile on my face. He complete my world. But what did I make for him in return? Knowing there is nothing I can do to make him not to ignore me, kills me badly!! Just want you know that I will always be right here waiting. I know you still have that tiny feeling for me. With love we can always make it, I just can't imagine not having you by my side. May the God almighty see us through. And may we pass this test he have given us, AMEN .

Is this LOVE or is this a SUICIDE ?

Afternoon young world. I bet each and everyone of you are having a very hectic day either at high school or college. Well as for me I'm actually having a week off from my work place. I will be starting college, the new semester next year. I woke up this morning with a teary eyes, my eyes was half swollen. I have been crying since yesterday. I tried to think in way that sometime things happens for a reason. But then the thought of Rony have been ignoring me the whole nights, kills me deeply. Actually I have already stopped, as in quit smoking cigarette for a long while but then the pressure that I had last night makes me started it again. I know that this wasn't an excuse but cigarette makes me feels better for a while. Lord only knows how much he means to me. He have been there for me through the good times and bad times. I was just a lost girl before he met me, I was just a girl trying to get back up on my feet and juggling with both studies and work. But when he came into my life , he brings light, hope and love. He treat me like a queen, he is always there to advice me, always there to teach me right from wrong. But just one stupid mistakes I created, it just ruin up everything. How I wish if I could turn back time to where the mistakes begin, I would never do that and would never think of doing that. But we can't turn back time. It already happen, I understand that he needs some space and time. But by ignoring me to this extend, it kills me. It feels like a suicide. Why didn't he just took a gun and shoot me to death instead of torturing me like this? If he needed a time and space , why didn't tell me to leave? Me? Me staying here for a week and does that means he is gonna ignore me for the whole week? I think of leaving without letting him know but I am afraid to do so. I'm afraid if I'd just leave, he will never come back to me again. Have I been thinking too much? I don't even know. There are 6 tablets of panadol, I felt like taking them all but then what is the point of me committing suicide? It is not gonna fix anything . I'm now all alone at this house, nobody is around. How I wish if I have the guts to ask them housemate not to go anywhere but I just don't have the guts to do so. This all alone crap makes me think even more, makes me cry even harder and makes my heart ache even worse. Why do we need LOVE? What is the definition of LOVE in a man's perspective ? One question Rony asked me last night crush me down and breaks me into pieces. "Do you think we can last forever?" and before I could even answer his question, 4 words kills me deeply " I don't think so" . Hearing this 4 words coming out from his mouth are worse than a suicide. I understand that the chances he had been giving me and the tolerance that he have done , none of them other man will ever do it. Oh Lord, why makes me so stupid and blind to even think about creating this silly mistakes? I bring this to my own and now what can I do to get him back? Will I ever have him back in my life again or he will be gone forever? Oh Lord, I really need your advice and I need you to show me the way out , Oh Lord. I'm begging you with cross fingers and I'm down on bended knees. My heart can never take another heart break. One more heart break and it will kills me worse than a suicide. I don't know what to write anymore.

p/s : how i wish if I could u hug you so tightly and never let go of you Rony. You have the space and all the time you needed. Whatever happen and whatever your decision are, you have my full respect. There is just one thing I want you to know that I will never love someone else like I love you and you will always be my one and only. I gave up everything to GOD. I have been crying since yesterday. I have no appetite at all since yesterday. If only I have the guts to run to you and hug you tightly, but I just don't have the guts . And when I look at your eyes, it seems to ask me to leave. Rony, I love you and I will always do.

have a good evening everyone and god bless

Love and Relationship

Sitting here all alone. Thinking about you, thinking about me, thinking about us. My tears slowly flow down my both cheeks. Why am I this weak when it comes to LOVE? There is this poem that I thought I can dedicate them to you. My tears are that stubborn, no matter how hard I tried to stop them from falling down, they just won't listen.

I thought of you today but that's nothing new

I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too

For everyday good or bad you'll always be in my head

I hope you've understood everything I've said

this isn't just a joke or a silly lie

I'd never do anything to make you wanna cry

I'm sorry if I do something to make you really mad

it only comes back and makes me really sad

I really do love you and everything you are

I hope this relationships gets really far

I'll never get you out I simply don't know how

in fact I'm thinking of you right about now

you're everything I need and everything to me

you know exactly who you are and who you want to be

you always make me smile just by being there

I hope you know how much I really do care

every time I think of you my stomach seems to twist

this is why I love you, I've made a huge list

the list goes on forever and never will it end

neither will our relationship you'll always be my friend

not just a simple friend but a special friend at that

I want to spent my whole life with you.

Rony, I just prayed that you could forgive me if I have always been this stubborn to heed most of your advice. I just need you that much that I can't let you go. You have become my other half. You know me more better than I do myself. You have been there for me through the bad times and good times. How I wish if you could just walk out of that room right now and hug me tightly and whisper in my ear telling me that you will never leave me because I am still your number one lady. Oh Lord, please help me through. You have watch me all along. Whatever my destiny was, I will give it up to you.

Life and GOD

It's been so long since I last logged in to this blog of mine and crap about whatever I have in this messed up brain of mine. This month aren't treating me any better. Too many ups and downs. There were the times feels like giving up but then there are some things that keep pulling ma tail back on track. God used to tell us and even in his bible is written that temptation is everywhere, but if our faith is strong, whatever happens , we will definitely finds the way out in the name of GOD. Matter fact, I know this facts but is always I choose to follows the devils. Loving the fun, the party and being in the center of attention, didn't I notice that all of this road I've choose there is a price to pay. Each day, I watch myself getting older and older. The clock is ticking, time machine is moving faster than the day before. My future seems to be tangling around, I don't see myself standing in the eyes of the world. What is happening to me? Something must have went wrong. My family are getting older and older and one day I would need to gave them shelter and treat them the way they used to. But if my future seems tangling around, how would I do that for them in return? I closed my eyes and asked for GOD's advice and directions. Then I realize, GOD has it own reason why he remove someone from our life. Each of our destiny are already written. Whether life is sucks or life is hard, it is just a test from GOD. If our faith are strong, no matter how hard the road is, we will manage to find the way out. Life might knocks you down but you can choose whether or not to get back up.

Actually , the truth is this isn't the topic that I wanna share with everyone but because when I talk about GOD, it makes me calm and forget about the pain that I'm going through now. Sometimes, when you in a deep pain, a soothing words from any word of GOD can calm you down and makes you feels alive. I truly believe in GOD, the lord almighty. I gave up my heart and soul to HIM.

Something I Crap About =D

I'm just wondering how does bloggers begin their blog with? Did they begin with the "hi" or they begin with "holla" .

Anyways back to the talk. This whole month is the month where they call it "Ramadhan" or in other word , the fasting month. Everyone are enjoying their fasting month , and me on the other hand are trying to fit in. I'm on vacation now, is semester break. So I decided to come over to Damansara to spend the whole semester break with Wezzy. It was fun and awesome but then things just slightly change. I just don't know what are the changes. Was it me or him? or I have been thinking too much?

Is just that today, I don't seems to be in the mood. Everything seems to come in the wrong way for me. All of the past keep flashes by and I felt like crying. I don't want to cry in front of Wezzy and his friends. All of a sudden I just felt like I want to be alone. Maybe go to somewhere far from here, somewhere I can think and do things right. I just don't know, brain is messed up with so much things and I'm tired of all these.

While sitting here all alone in the couch thinking about the future. There is crazy thoughts comes to my brain. I picture myself and my prince charming getting married and we both have these 2 wonderful kids. Even sometimes he told me that he want babies , like 1 boy and 1 girl. But as for me, is all in GOD's hand. I don't know how many kids want me to have. But the thing is that I can't wait to have my own babies.

This time, I would like to introduce to you a list of names I have thought of for my children, which, in the future, I would love to have many of them :) so, skip this post if you want, its my personal thought after all =D

``

6 girls, 6 boys. Lets begin with the boys:

Paulus Maxwell 博伟 (I really like the name Paulus, and Maxwell has MAX in it, nuff said :) )
Henrie Lucas 恒尊 (Henrie from David Henrie, 尊 from 吴尊)
Joseph Silas 宗胜 (Joseph; My grandfather; Silas, from the Bible)
Dominic Flynn 德聪 (Dominic from St. Dominic Savio; Flynn, favourite hero from Tangled)
Aloysius Louis 黎修 (Aloysius from St. Aloysius Gonzaga)
Matthias Devon 周泰 (Matthias from the Bible)

and then with the girls:

Marian Esmae 眧阳 (Marian for my grandma, Esmae for my bestie Esmond, and 眧阳 from my favourite tv character)
Victoria Yves 泉希 (Victoria in honour of the name my grandma wanted for me, and 泉希 combo of 以泉 + 瑞希)
Carmen Navaeh 诗桦 (诗桦 combo of 诗曼 + 嘉桦)
Franchette Zita 善琴 (Franchette for my friend Francisco)
Tabitha Loren 梅欣 (Tabitha for my late friend, 梅+欣 combo of my two friends' name)
Jordine Ella 恩惠 (Ella for my dear auntie, and 恩惠 from Yoon Eun-Hye)

*Navaeh is Heaven spelt backwards, kinda sounds not bad to me :)

I did major changes, the names listed today was not the same as the ones I thought of yesterday, I change my mind like I change clothes =/

A Moment For Life

it's been a while since i logged in and write a whole bunch of crap in this blog. I reminisce so much thing I've done in the past. Time move so fast that I can't spare a moment write it down. The reason why I created this blog wasn't because I want the whole world to know what I've done in the past. It was because I didn't find someone to share all of my problems and understand the whole situation I've been through. People judge me from what they see and what they heard. But now, I thank GOD each and every morning, I have a wonderful day and a blessed day to live on.

I've completely move on from the past and leading the life now. Found a new friend that love me as who I am and accept me the way I am. I've even found myself Friend that are always there to cheer me up and are always there for me. I've learn so much in the past and it taught me a-lot of lessons.

I love the way you make me feel and the way you show me the other side of friendship. I know that I'm not perfect enough to even be your friend but thanks for accepting me the way I am and thanks for willing to be there for me whenever I need you. I don't ask for more but I pray that this friendship last forever and may you never change the way you are.

And to the friends : Pamela! I swear you are the greatest gift from god and I never expect that I would meet people like you and thanks for all of things you guys have done for me.

Those crazy weeks with all of you and Wezzy are the greatest weeks for me. Wish mummy and daddy are here to witness how happy I am in this awkward country. Thanks god for everything and goodnight.

Claude Kelly - I Hate Love [HQ] with Lyrics

im going nuts !

it's been a long time since i upload anything in this blogg of mine... miss those days where im so free and relax :(...

things have changed so much ever since i started college. My love life, college life have been completely changed like 180 degree. I just seems to failed in everything i do. I wanted to achieve something but whenever im so close to it, the whole thing just have to turn out to be something else. One thing that makes me forget about the sadness is ma family, They called me most of time to chat with me ! ma relationship with them became better than before and i swear their are the best i ever had !

I met some new friends @ uni. some of them are girls, some of them are guys. i found a group to study with and chilled with. they are ma classmates, 2 chinese guy. they are awesome and younger than me like so much. I guess im the oldest in my class. But those girls that i used to hang out , our relationship became so cold and unlike before. I swear there were the times that i cant stop talking about them but now, things just getting worse and worse between us. We aren't as close as before but we both still talk to each other whenever we met each other at the uni.

Im watching OMAR & SALMA now alone , but i cant stop thinking about him and our first date at this residence hotel at uniten !! I miss those days, sometimes i wish there is a rewind button in my life where i can rewind to to those sweet days of ours. but unfortunately there aren't any rewind , pause or stop button in this life of mine.

Im so much sad and feels like crying. I wish i have someone to cry on, im getting so much sensitive these days , any tiny things that comes , it hurts me sometimes and i can even drop ma tears on it. there were even times that i get emotional on something that just doesnt make any sense. I just dont know what happen to me and i wish that i can get my own personality back , but i couldnt !! no matter how hard i tried to just chilled and relax but it just doesnt seems to work out. Whenever i saw my friends are laughing and happy talking about some topics,i wanna join them but deep down im sad eventhough i have a smile on my face.

daaaaammmnnn i dont even know what im crapping about in this blogg... its always the same thing that i crapp about, love and all of this bullshitss... daaaammmnnn , i need to just fucking forget about al of this mann and do ma things!!!

Happy FriDay !

days without blogging is seriously killing me because it's the only way I can express what I have been through throughout my daily basis. I'm not a writer actually but hopefully someday I will :)
I will be moving to Fortune Park , Serdang tomorrow. It's college's accommodation by the way and the uni orientation starts on the 28th March. I just don't know why I registered to a college where people from my past are studying there. Deep down I know I don't know how to face them and don't know how will I be able to go through this struggle. But I don't care because all I wanted is to study hard and have a good results. I don't mind what those haters want to says behind my backs but I know one day they will stop. The ideas of making them stop is to study hard and get an award from the uni and automatically they will be surprised. Besides , they don't even know my real name. They know me as Joey Anabelle Gonzalez.

This world is just too hard for me to fit in , because all this years, all I'm trying to do is to fit in but not to know how to see through the things I have done and the consequences. I just hoped and prayed that nothing is gonna come through my way. After my ex left me, I have been struggle so much to get back up. Now that I back on track, I don't want anything to ruin this good thing up. I'm unlike before, I used to go out every single day and hang ou everyday. After I moved out from my ex's apartment, I started staying with my families. I have never been so much happy and a pocket full of joy before. I mastered the cooking skills from my auntie and baking skills from her.

Life is all about knowing who u want to be and take the past as an experience ! Never convict the same mistakes again. Earn the respect and trust if you want the same from the others. That's all for today :) have a blessed friday!

New Day Has Come :)

heyy there..is been like weeks but feels like ages since I updated this blogg. Feels good to be back here again :) Someone once told me that blogging are for someone that have no friends and are lonely in this earth. But from my point of view, I found blogging interesting, I don't mind that people are reading story related to my lifestyle, or things that are personal. I must admit that I truly have no friends. Is not that I trust nobody nor I have no friends, I do have friends but I don't tell them things like I wrote in this blogg :) Sometimes, writing is a better way to describe what you feel deep down because words can't describe better than writing :)

Ever since Mido break up with me and went out with other girl, I have move on. Is not that I'm gonna say I have a new boy-friend or something. No !! I'm still myself but I'm trying to stand on my own. I'm never gonna depend on the others no more. I want to be someone successful, in both studies and in work. I've told my close friend that I've got a CGPA of 3.8 in my studies, now that I have better way to prove that I own this result. I'm going back to college and continue studies. I'm still young, I had enough of years wondering outside and have enough of people hurting me and take me as a TOY !! I want to be someone that appears in TV shows someday and someday that people will speak my name. To achieve this, there are things that I need to sacrifices and there are things that I need to change.

These days, I spent my time reading this book written by JANE AUSTEN- A GUIDE TO DATING :) poeple might laugh at me as in why is she reading this kind of book since she have dated so much guys before. I admit that I have been dating plenty of guys throughout 2008. But sometimes I don't understood the reason why I failed in love. Why am I the one that end up being hurt by guy!! But there is one thing I have to say, this author really inspires me alot. One thing the author said is true are : TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR OWN BEHAVIOUR before you judge the other. If you want someone to respect you, you gain the respect by respect the people around you. Most of the people in this earth hate liars. What is going to happen if you just speak the truth? There is no problem of speaking the truth. People will respect you and be with you if you have the guts to speak the truth. Besides that, CHOOSE SOMEONE WHO BRINGS OUT THE BEST OF YOU, but DON'T BE FOOLED BY FLATTERY. Is so true, you can choose either a girl or guy to be with, choose the friend wisely. Don't take things for granted, want nothing in return but friendship. Treat them with care, love and understanding plus listening helps a-lot! The most important thing is LEARN TO TRUST YOURSELF and NEVER DOUBT YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS. Sometimes your instincts tell the right thing about a person. This usually happens when you first met a person. LEARN HOW TO CONTROL YOURSELF, don't chase after a guy, but let them come to you. Don't rush things up but take it slow.

Now my whole life have changed. Things weren't the same as before. I will be entering to college so soon and promises stick to the promises. I have promise my family that I will not fail in the semester . Left the past behind and moved on, never look back. For the past are always a great lesson to be learnt in order not to repeat the same mistakes again. I'm blessed with a great family and lovely poeple around me . There is nothing else I wanted but just to say Thank you GOD for your gift :)

Sad + Disappointed + Heart Broken !!

sitting in front of the laptop doing nothing but staring at 1 picture ! sometimes I'm wondering to myself why can't I get him out of my head. It was all fine before I went back to Malacca, the whole havoc stared to happen after I went back to Malacca. The moment I went back I lost my phone , then there comes a news from Najuu , one of my best girl friend. She told me that on her birthday , MIDO brought a girl to Chillis's for a dinner and then for a movie. Barnawi and Naju was with him and the girl that night itself. When Naju ask him where is Joey , he said don't talk about Joey. I felt like my world fall apart. I have never expect that he is going to do that to me . What have I done to deserved that ? I did nothing ever since I came back to Malacca. I swear I didn't know anything ! Right after I chat with Naju and she told me what happen , I called barnawi and asked him what is going on. He told me that Mido did that because I cheated on him, I went out with arab boys at Malacca. I was like oh my god , is a misunderstanding ! My mother bought me a blackberry bold 2 9300 , and it cost a-lot of money so my mother had to sold her mobile in order to get some money , i have like roughly a thousand over bugs. So with the money my mother got , I bought a blackberry. Then I was hungry after I purchase the mobile phone. I told my mother that I wanted to eat Arabian food. But my mother said there must have a arabian restaurant at this shopping mall, we were searching the whole shopping mall but we found nothing. Then we decided to go to the restaurant near MMU instead. When we reached there, the restaurant was freaking crowded and so freaking noisy. I was so happy till I took out the new phone and dial Mido's number. It was so noisy so I had to go out of the restaurant and talked. The first thing he asked me was where are you , I cant hear the word properly so I said home. Then he said your family speak arabic ! Before I can even explain and he switch off his phone ! I tried to call back many times but he ain't want to answer my calls. No reply from any of the messages I have sent to him and no return calls as well ! What I'm thinking at the moment was that maybe he is busy so I did not call back for like a few days then the next thing I know is Naju told me what he did !!

I was crying like a mad girl. Mama asked me why and what happen but I shuuuu her away and locked myself inside the room. I cried and cried and I did not eat anything for 3 days , just locked myself inside the room!! I just felt like my whole world is gone and I just can't believe that he is doing that to me !! What have I done to deserved all of this ? I know that I was a bad girl before but I have changed totally !! What else did he want from me ?! After 3 days crying, I sat myself on the bed, looking at the teddy bear he gave me for my 20 birthday. I'm thinking to myself , i cried for him , i miss him , i think about him all the time , i do anything for him , i can die for him , i can even kill myself with a knife in front of his eyes but can he do the same ? i bet he cant do the same ! After that I told myself , all this time , I'm the one that keeps running after him , no matter how many times he break up with me, i cant stop running after him and begged of him for another chance . Now that I know he went out with another girl, I don't want to waste my time anymore. I hate breaking up on the phone, if this time I really did wrong , come right in front of me and said GO FUCK URSELF !! but it wasn't my fault after all !! so u can't said that to me !! Now all I have to do is , I wanna study , that's why i begged my second auntie to help me to register at this college UCTI !! I wanna appeared in the TV shows someday. I know my capabilities and abilities. I know I can get a CGPA 3.8 !! I know myself better , I will do that and get the first class of honors like my sister once did then go to UK to further my studies. After that , I will see how is MIDO's reaction. And those who hate me after Mido told you the wrong stories about our relationship , I wanna see what are your reaction! From now , like once you told me baby boo, THINK LIKE A WOLF ! that's what I'm gonna be and besides that I wanna see how far you can go with that girl and I wanna see if she can love you like i do and treats you the way i do or the worst part SEX you like i do !

Malacca = Sadness !!

I went back to Malacca like 3 days ago.. Mido want me to go back home because he got finals coming soon and he doesn't want me to stay alone at home. He promised me that he will come to me at Malacca after his finals :) , He was supposed to come to meet me after he got back from Jakarta but he did not. He flight from Jakarta to KL was delayed and he reached here is KL at 2am !! I cried because I had my weekend without him and it's the first time ever A WEEKEND WITHOUT MY HONEY-BEAR !! No matter how hard I misses him, I gotta deal with it. I just have to be patience with him because he really have to concentrate in his upcoming exams and his GPA !!

I went back to Malacca on the Tuesday morning. Was waiting for a freaking cab like 15 minutes and then reached the bus station around 11 am. The bus station have moved from bukit jalil to bandar tasik selatan. I need to took another train to bandar tasik selatan. Buy a ticket and wooooooo on the way to Malacca. I misses my mother's cooking and the air I used to breathe at Malacca. I misses everything over there.

I lost my mobile on the Wednesday night when I was having a family dinner with my mother and the other relatives at a restaurant nearby our house. When we was about to leave the restaurant, I forgotten that I left my mobile on the table. The moment I reached home, I was looking for my mobile.Searching with tears and I remember that I left it on the table. I went back to the restaurant and asked the waiter and the waitress if they have found my mobile while they were cleaning the table. They told me NOPE !!!!

I went back home crying the whole night. There are so many things in the phone !!! My honey-bear's pictures and important contacts. All is gone!! My mother won't be getting me a new mobile because I keep on lost my mobile and she got financial problem, they can't be getting me a new phone every single day if I can't stop lost my phone !!! Argghhhh GOD !! How am I suppose to call MIDO after this ? I told mum my problem and I hope she would understand.Mum told me that I can used her mobile phone till I got a new one. I have been calling MIDO but he just don't pick up my calls. I know that he is very busy but please at least reply my text !! Unfortunately nothing!! I misses his voices and everything. This is just torturing but what else I can do ? I have to wait until he finish his finals and hopefully that he is gonna come to malacca for me !!

I just dont know what to write in this blog anymore. I dont know if the decision of coming back to malacca is right because being far from MIDO , i feel insecure. I dont know how to explain is not that i dont trust him, I trust him a 100 % but the thing is that is he really studying for finals or he just wanna be alone for a moment ? I just dont know. Waiting is torturing, but what else I can do other than waiting ? this whole month is just suddenly a happiness , suddenly teary , suddenly sadness , suddenly madness and suddenly sweetness !!! I just prayed the time can moved as fast as he could so that I can be with MIDO again.

BLACKBERRY DREAM :D

this is the BLACKBERRY i wanted so badly. I don't care, I'm going to persuade my mother to get one for me. It's only $138 if you purchase through maxis center by postpaid plan for a 24 month contract and subscribe to value plus plan if you are not a maxis user :D.. I want it , I want it , I want it !!! Mother said I have 2 choices , either a laptop or a BlackBerry. I would rather go for a BlackBerry. That doody laptop can wait for me another 1 or 2 years or maybe I can ask if my brother can get me a laptop :D *problem solve* heheheh ... ohhh I have been dreaming about it since the chinese new year. I don't care anymore , I will use my chinese new year money to get. I want the white color instead of the black one. Wait for me ok, just one more day and we will sleep together ok bb fon :D muahhhhhh....

Grenade - Bruno Mars - Lyrics on screen

Mario - How Do I Breathe

This song reveals our both memories from the first time we met until today. Whenever I listen to this song , all of the sweet romance come back fresh in my brain. The lyrics are so meaningful, as if is all talking about us. Without you by my side it really feels like I'm all alone because whenever I'm with you, I don't feels such way. Whoever that listens to this song will understands what I'm feeling right now. Someone used to said I don't know what LOVE is and the meaning of TRUE LOVE. Deep down my guts I know what LOVE is, because I have always wanted a fairy-tale ending love story and maybe because the way I love is different than any other girl. I don't know because it's just from my point of view :D about myself heheheh... anyways, enjoy this songs and lets refresh those past memories with love :)

Aggro Santos feat Kimberly Wyatt - Candy (Official Video)

Want some CANDY ? I can give you some.. :D ... love this song though , let's shake the booty on Tuesday night :D ... gotta talk to my mother, she was planning to go to vacation most probably this coming April. I wanna convince her to allow to go UNITED KINGDOM alone. I wanna go there so badly , anyone wanna come with me ? My sister been there before , she was there for further her studies few years ago at Cambridge University. She complete with first class of honor in LAW . S o proud of her actually. Cant wait to talk to mother about this vacation. Hopefully the dream come true and i bet there is someone wanna come with me :)

Changes and Disappointment but Happiness IN THE END :D

This whole February is like a dream come true in the beginning and there comes the great news of me getting in to the college finally. Me and honey-bear are more better than we ever used to. No more fights between us and I have changed to be a better person in a sense like there are no more lying between me and everybody including my families. Actually. what honey-bear told me before was so true, why should a person lies ? is so hard so come up with a lie because you just have to make sure that the lies doesn't being sense by anyone and you have to make a new stories each time. Why don't we just be honest with each other and with that you can sleep in peace. Aren't that better than anything? Me and honey-bear became more closer to each other than before. People around me understands how much I love this man and they can even feel our crazy and mad love hahhahaha.. i don't know because i was just saying hheheheh...

The disappointment is that, weeks ago, my auntie called me before my mom called me. They told me that they had to cancel my studies for a reason. We are facing a financial problems. My auntie is carrying a huge burden under her shoulder. My 3 mom's medication, our malacca's house bills, her kl's house bills and my sister school fees and her accommodation at Australia. My auntie is a housewife, the only person that works is my uncle. My auntie give me a suggestion if I could get a job and earn some salary and then she can help me to pay half the amount. The total of the business administration I'm taken is RM 18000 including the school fees , examination fees , registration fees. OMG !! When I heard those words from my auntie, I felt like my world is falling apart and the saddest part is that I have been expecting so much from them and in the end I've got nothing !! I told honey-bear everything and I started crying so badly. I've got no choice but to search for job and earn some salary for college. Is the only choice I've got but is ok , I'm all fine is all just a disappointment :)

The most happiness thing in my life is that after so many weeks being apart from my mother, I finally can get back home and spent some quality time with her :) Misses her cooking, her hug and her stupid jokes :D . Mother just got a sense of humor though :D. She is so old already, as a daughter I should spend more time with her before anything happens and I'm gonna regret my whole life just like I have regret after my grandmother pass away :( . I never get to see her the moment she closed her eyes because I was being locked up in rehab far from home :(. I just cant wait to get back home and see those familiar faces and home food :) And besides I'm gonna get a blackberry the moment I reach malacca :D !! yaaaay finally :)

A idiotic mess !!

Just before I came to my honey-bear at kajang , I met this Eurasian girl , Carrieanne. We know each other in face-book for almost a year now but never get a chance to see each other. So there is this sunny Saturday, I grab an opportunity to meet her. She came to fetch me from the mall after she had done with her studies. She brought me to her village called the Portuguese settlement. I have heard of it before but never get a chance to enter this place. The place is so wonderful. I stayed for a night at her place. Her families are so warm and her sister is really cute. They have 3 really cute puppy.

She showed me around the village next day and she introduce her boyfriend to me. They have been together for 9 years. Wooowwww.... I wish me and Mido can be like that too.. We both did a-lot of things till I forgotten that I have a mama waiting for me at home. Out of a sudden, her brother Jeremy was at home. He was shock to know that I was there. Jeremy is a sweet mistakes. When I was 16, I added him on msn and out of my surprise he started sex stalking me. So I deleted him and never keep in touch with him anymore. I didn't know that he is Carrieanne's brother!!!! I tried to avoid him and Carrie realize something in between so she asked me. I told her bad things about her brother. Arghhh I'm really a poker face. We went to clubbing on carrie's bf birthday night. With kana and Jimmy along. We were all drinking beer and dancing. Just a beer won't get me drunk but 2 bucket of beer get me tipsy... I went back home and I found myself sleeping in the same room as Carrie and her bf :D ... I went out for a cup of water and all of a sudden Jeremy came out of nowhere and I went inside the room instead of talking to him.

The following night, I can't stop avoiding him. I just don't know why. The night before the idiotic mess begins, I can't sleep and wants to watch SAW 8 the last part. So me , Jeremy and Jimmy watch together. After the half way, Jimmy went to sleep. Left me and Jeremy watching it. My neck starting to aching me. I can't turn my head at all. I started to cry, is really hurting. Jeremy offers to massage my neck so I can feel better and he get me an aspirin. He wasn't that bad after all. Then we both talk and get to know each other. He showed me his gf picture. She is from Norwegia. She is beautiful. But the thing is that Jeremy is younger than her. She is 25!!!!! Omg !!!! That's unbelievable, hahaha but me and Mido are the same thing as well but the other around , he is 7 years older than me :D. After the movie, I went to bed leaving Jeremy slept at the hall alone. I woke up around 7am in the morning. When i was freshen up, Jeremy ask me if I wanna go and watch the sunrise with him nearby the beach and he can show me around the port after that breakfast together. So I agreed. It was completely an awesome sunrise!! Its windy, cold and woooow... Really nice view. Then we went for breakfast. Carrie's families is really warm and cozy.. Unlike mine, stressful and sometimes you just don't feel like staying at home.

Honey-bear called me to come to kajang. So I told Carrie that I had to go back to my house because I overstayed and my mom will definitely killed me once I have reached home!! She send me back home and just as I thought, mom was so much angry and she told me that what didn't I pick up her calls and auntie catherine have been calling me a million times !! She even told me that they are going to cancel my studies. I felt my world falls apart. I can't believe what I've just heard. This can't be happening. With the sadness and sorrow , I grab my luggage and come to kajang!!

Is an mess !! It really is !!!

Chinese New Year 2011

Can't believe that Chinese new year is passing by so quickly. Mommy, daddy , James and Chloe are back for a month to celebrate Chinese new year!! Can't believe I came back home after the second week they are here in Malaysia. I was all along at kajang with my honeybear. But after all , my new year was awesome beside my families.

I'm getting attached with baby belle. She is an apple of our eye. Everybody loves her hahahahahahaha... She replace me though for I am getting older. The good news is that my families are worried about me going to college. They are not sure if I can finish the course but not half way because going to college weren't a game to play but too much money need to be spend. I guaranteed them that I will complete the course because I really want it. I will do it.

I have been like a tax collector hahahahahahaha going to all of our relatives house collecting ang pau!! The reason why I'm collecting because I want to get a laptop and the second reason a blackberry. I have been dreaming about it. I wanted it so badly but due to it's expansive , I had to changed my mind. But after I saw my uncle Joseph is using a blackberry torch!! Now that's makes me dream of one and I want it so badly.

I can't stop thinking about my honey-bear a-lot. Wondering what is he doing when I'm celebrating new year with my families?? In this rabbit year, I hope that our relationship may last forever and no one can tear us apart.

Rihanna - What's My Name? ft. Drake

What a FRIDAY freak :D

Still can't believe what just happen in Jeddah. Many family have pass away due to this big flood that attack Saudi Arabia. Many all of you people pray for them and may this tragedy end as soon as possible. I have been kept at home by Mido for almost 2 weeks :D ... It's fun and amazing being by his side all this week but when it comes to HUNGRY , I really hate it :D. I'll be lock inside the house without him left me the keys or card of this apartment. I miss my family though , they have been calling me to come home but I'm afraid of picking up their calls. I know that all they wanted is to talk to me and know that I'm safe but I;m just afraid that they gonna pass the phone to my brother and he will pissed me off in the phone. I don't want another fight with my brother. Chinese New year is coming soon, all I wanted is to having a peaceful day out with my family.

Wondering what's is going to be like this New Year..Wanted to go somewhere nice but my family would probably want me to spent time with them in these New Year. That's too bad because I wanted to go to vacation with the guys. I heard that they are planning to go to some amazing island. I wanna tag along because I remember the last time I went to Penang with Mido and the others it didn't end up to be as romantic as I was thinking. Because we both we arguing bout me getting jealous.. HAHAHAHHA .. It sound kind of stupid. But at the end of the trip, it was awesome.. I was in the jet-ski with Mido. HAHAHAHHAHA... nice one though. Wish I have the picture to show you guys but I ain't got any of them.

Ali and Yaya and also Fatoot came to the house today. Finally, I'm not alone !! I like this one, I like Ali when he came to this house, he with the crazy jokes and crazy moods is always funny and making everyone laugh :D...The weather is kind of sunny and all of sudden Fatoot wanted to go to the CIMB by his foot. I asked him if I can come along but he refused. I just wanted to breathe the fresh air outside but is ok, we are still going out tonight , ain't we? I wish I can drive so I can drove him to the CIMB. Helping people ain't that bad though, didn't it ?

I began to miss the smell of my mother's cooking. There are so many things I want to eat. I'm talking as if I'm a hungry ghost, dying for something delicious :D :D...Whatever it is, I wanna eat as much as I can tonight, maybe cuddle be a little romantic to ask if Mido want to drinks some alcohol :D... Never drink for such a long time. It's a good thing that I've stop drinking, I wanna quit smoking too. Wondering what have Mido done with his ELECTRIC CIGARETTE. If he ain't using it , Let me have them :D :D..

I just wished that this is our happy ending because the days without fighting is better and fun than the days with fighting. Now that I'm trying to change from worse to better, I hoped no one would ever ruin this happiness we both have. Haters , please go as far as you can. Just leave me and my boyfriend alone. If you don't like me, you deal with me, don't get to my boyfriend. You have problem with me , you come to me. Leave him alone and leave me alone!! Thanks GOD for all these good days and I hope that everybody would be like these. And also blessed my family and friends. Pray for those in Jeddah may those who died , may their souls rest in peace. Ameen!!

Laura Pausini-It's not goodbye

Sunny and Cold Thursday

The song that I've just posted, I heard for the first time last night with Mido. Can't believe that he likes this kind of song, It's slow and romantic. I love it ever since he showed me for the first time. These whole week starting from the last week is the best week of my life. Having him back in my life again is something I can't describe and getting a chance to spend the most beautiful week with him is the most sweetest day ever. But admitting the fact that I will be going back to Malacca real soon and being far away from him again is kind of painful but there is nothing I can do because studies and families comes first. Now that he knows I'm trying my best to be a good girl and stop lying, he is happy and he isn't afraid to defense me anymore.

I have so many planned for vacation since my classes starts on march 7. Wanna go to island for some sun bathing with bikinis and Indonesia , Bali island and also Thailand ,Phuket island. Heard that all of these places are awesome and nice. Have never been there before and I really wanna go there to know what is it like over there. Can't wait really for this coming CHINESE NEW YEAR. It's gonna be awesome and we are going to have a house party. yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! Can't wait to get all of the ang-pows and eat all of the cookies again. How nice is it be back home with the families and friends. I have meet some new friends that are going to the same university as I am. Can't wait to meet them all when I go back to Malacca.

Now that he went to college for his classes , I'm bored again at home. Wonder what am I going to do to wait until 5pm ? ? Other than face-booking and listening to music.. I really don't know what else I can do :D Wanna have some nes-cafe now.. Will catch you later :)

TUESDAY SICKNESS !!

I'm in a dancing mood , hahhahaha.... I haven't been to a club for such a long time. The last time I went to club was with Mido xD..hahhaha ... I played all of the songs that the DJ played in the club, dressing like a hip-hop dancer , I'm gonna shake my ass off real soon. Mido woke me up around 12 in the afternoon while I was sleeping so tight, he need to do something for him. I thought he want me to open the door for him or something, Instead of me dreaming that he is out at the door , he told me that he wanted to sleep and he is freaking tired, so he need my help to send the report to his lecturer and wake him up at 2pm. I did my part and I continued my beauty sleep until almost 7pm. hahhahahaha...what a lazy ass I am :)

He is coming to the house today, can't wait any longer.. I really missed him so much !! Did he miss me as much as I did ? He is so much busy , I bet he only miss me a little bit. I'm hungry as hell , I remember that he told me one thing before he hang off the phone in the afternoon that Adnan is coming to Kajang . But why he isn't here yet ? Adnan is no where to be found !! Which Kajang will he be ? I wanted tonight to be a special night for me and Mido, I wanna surprise him with something. But what can I do ? There is nothing much I can do because I ain't got no keys to go out and get something and I can't even clean the house properly because I need the key to throw all of the rubbish outside. It's kind of boring being locked like this in a big house where you're all alone. I really want to go out and eat today, I'm tired of indo-mie or so called instant noodles. I want something where is fresh and delicious and acceptable for my stomach. I have been going in and out of the bathroom since last night. Stomach is killing me.

What time is he coming here actually? Do I really have to wait till midnight ? There won't be any restaurant open in the midnight other than fast food and indian restaurant that are 24 hours. How is his exams , quiz and interview ? I hope everything went well. I'm getting hungry and sleepy out of a sudden. Wanna take a nap for a little while before he came over.. too tired though !!

My Guardian Angel.

I spend my the several golden hours talking to this person. The best person I have ever met and want nothing in return but true , honest and sincere friendship. I know that if I said I have someone as my best friend and we are like brother and sister, I bet Mido will start doubting me again. I don't think one day is enough for me to talk about this person. I don't have any true friend around me, even-though I have but they will just stab me from behind . Some of them might as well just want pleasure other than being my true friend. But this person I tell you, is different from anyone I have meet, if he isn't , I won't be talking about him in this blogg of mine. This person I'm talking about is MOE GOZALI. I met this guy through HEMA and we became close with each other after HEMA went back to Saudi for vacation. Throughout my entire life, there are no one that knew what I'm thinking and what is kept inside my brain. No one have ever taught me right from wrong other than my family. No one have ever help me or even be there when I'm sad , down or when I'm admitted to the hospital. No one know what kind of medication I needed and No one knows nothing, a single shit about me, other than my family and Mido. Even-though Mido he knows everything about me but he can't be there all the time for me. Mido got his own responsibilities to take care of and he can't be there for me 24/7. As a friend , MOE , he really did his part. He advised me in a-lot of situation. Sometimes if I just hide something from him, he knew it and without me confess to him, he can tell me what I did last night or maybe the day before it. He remember every single little thing in me and we have a-lot of thing in common. I have never felt a father's love before and I don't know what does it feels like to have a father beside you and you know.... the kind of talk like a father-daughter. MOE he completely replaced everything that I have missed in my life. He became my father, mother , sister, brother. He advised me in a-lot of situation. When I was in a fight with Mido, I almost suicide. Moe, he was so angry and he have a hard talk with me. Without me told him why Mido fought with me , he told me what exactly happen between me and him. He got a solution for each and every problem I'm facing. I have a LOW-BLOOD PRESSURE. I can't cry or think too much or pressure myself, because I can get exhausted and fatal. The LOW-BLOOD PRESSURE attacks once a while but if I had too many pressure in a week or so, it will attack me twice a day. MOE knows exactly what my problem is and he is trying to help me to changed, he even advised me to stop cheating behind Mido's back and be a good girl. I swear , if Mido ever get a change to just sit down have a talk to this guy. He will know that actually this guy's a great guy. Now that Moe have went back to Sudan for holiday, I have only Banu as my true friend. No one else. Moe have taught me a-lot of important lesson and I swear , no one can ever be like him because you can't hide anything from him. Even if you did , he will know because he once told me. If he starts being closed with someone, he will know everything that he/she did.

I was just wondering.. Have Mido ever read this blogg before ? If he did , what did he feel when he read this blogg ? Or maybe any of you have read this blogg , what do you actually feel ? Do you feel what I feel or this blogg is bored and lame ? I have been completely honest in this blogg because I only got this blogg to let go all of my emotion , secrets , sadness and happiness. Without this blogg, I don't think I can even survive till now. Writing is my passion, writing is the only way to express what I feel deep down and writing makes me feels better each time when I went through something huge and painful. I'm glad that I can get everything out of my chest today, seriously, maybe some of you should try this. Let go everything that you have kept inside your heart for a long time and you will feel better and relieved.

Everybody is in their dreamland , but I found myself sleep-less. So I'm going to stay awake and maybe I will sleep in the afternoon when I'm bored of this lap-top. I should watch some series and get some some sleep. I will continue with you later ..

Wish there's a time machine !!

Can't believed that I'm crying for this Chinese drama. It's a drama series mostly about the life with the emperor, the empress, the mistress , the kids , love and everything. It's really a touching drama. Only GOD knows how much I'm craving for a taste of cigarette !!! If only Fatoot didn't took the house key with him and left it with me , I swear I will go to the mini-market and get myself a cigarette. But unfortunately, he took the keys with so I just have to wait till tomorrow night when Mido came along.

He got a big test tomorrow, hopefully he can did his best. I know that this mid-term is freaking important to him to upgraded his CGPA. Everything is going to be alright, I know he can manage it tomorrow. I just ate like 2 indo-mie and I'm still hungry, I don't want junk food, I need some human food ! Gosh , I'm so hungry.. So muchhh !!! Wish the keys can fly, if the keys can fly , I bet it already reach here by now :D . The house is drop dead silent and nothing to do @ all. I'm getting bored just sitting in front of the lap-top. I swear next time if I ever get here, I will let Mido left the key for me. So @ least I can either go get some food , swimming or get some DVD's from the stall.

What can I do now ? I don't feel sleepy @ all. I can as well stay up till the morning but the thing is that what can I do to stay awake ? Nothing interesting in the lap-top. I have already watched all of the DVD's. All I ever wanted is a cigarette pack in front of me and some food, I mean a-lot of food. That's all I ask for. But it ain't gonna come true. Gotta wait till tomorrow then grhhhhhhh.. time , can u move a lil faster ?

It's Monday .....Boring !!

Last night was kind of scary because I really heard a-lot of noises coming from the hall. I was inside the room trying to sleep but unfortunately I couldn't because I really do heard something. I text-ed Mido and told him that I'm scared, I never thought that he would either reply the messages or call me because it's almost 6 in the morning. So I covered myself with the blanket and slept under the blanket. Within a few minutes, Mido called and hahaha I've got butterflies in my stomach. He really called me, we talked on the phone for some-time and he asked me whether am I inside the room , he told me to bring the lap-top inside the room and he will still be on the line accompany me. I went out of the room and brought the lap-top inside the room. Was kind of creepy actually. Right after I brought the lap-top inside the room, he told me to, just think of as if he is beside me, hugging me tightly and try to get some sleep. I asked him him why didn't he sleep yet. He said he was trying to sleep since 3am but he couldn't. These few weeks, we both slept mostly when the morning comes, we didn't have enough sleep. So I told him to get some sleep and rest because he got a long day tomorrow and I don't want him to fall sick.

After he hang off the phone and I close my eyes and sleep right away. I just can't believe that I just woke up now and I still feel sleepy. I sort of wasted the whole day sleeping and doing nothing. I had a missed-call from Auntie Catherine. I'll call her later-on , not now. My hubby called and want me to re-assign the assignment because there are a little mistakes there. I will do it in a while and send it to his e-mail. I guess I ain't going to do anything after I finish the assignments, I'm going back to sleep. I don't feel hungry but I'm craving for a CIGARETTE so badly. Why did I finished the whole pack of the cigarette last night ? And why didn't I told Mido to get me one ? Dammmn , now I've got to controlled myself till tomorrow when he comes to me after his exams :( ... I really had no idea what can I actually do right now.. go back to sleep or get a shower or watch movies. I really don't know. But I do feel freaking sleepy. hahahhahah I'm so blurr...

Suckie Sunday !!

It's Sunday and I didn't tend to even thought that I have a blogg to write on. I'm too happy these whole week that I've got a chance to spend it with someone I adore and someone I love. I woke up every morning with a smile on my face knowing that he would ever leave me again. Mido went back to the University this evening because he wants to watch this football match between Uniten and some other University I guess. Other than that, he needs to completely focus on his studies because he got a mid-term , a quiz and an interview coming through. I will be completely alone from tonight until Tuesday. Even Fatoot went to University as well. The house is empty without the laughter, the jokes and the craziness. But is alright, because I don't want to be his distraction, patience is a virtue. Auntie Catherine called me again today. As usual asking me why I ain't going back to Malacca yet. I told her I will coming back to Malacca this coming weekend, I ain't fronting but I will go because I miss mommy a-lot. I called her like 5 minutes ago.

I wasn't in the mood like several hours ago. I log on to face-book. Saw this post on my wall from Mido's EX !! She got pissed from the application that I posted on her wall. It's not a big deal or a big issues that she had to make an havoc about it. It's an application called "Interview Me". The application questioned me, "If I ever gonna have a date with Nor Dianne , would I say yes ? " I answer "maybe" and publish to her wall. Out of a sudden, she posted on my wall and threw her anger towards me. Who the hell she think she is talking to? Well, she think she can talk to me like that ? Nahhhh , I do not play this game, you wanna get rude then take this from me. I inbox her and ask her what the hell is wrong her and screw her up. Within a minute, she replied, she is even rude then the wall post she send me!! That's really a bitchy move though!! I'm the kind of person, if you don't mess with me , I won't do you any harm . But if you did something out of the limit, that's it!! I was laughing real hard when Mido called me and asked me what have I done to her. hahahah, I ain't do no shit , she started it first. He want me to delete her, without even he told me to do so, I've already did. How dare you fucking bitch called my boyfriend and complain about all this nonsense ? Do you think he got time for all this bullshits ? Bitch , he ain't a kid ! If you can't fucking take it , go fuck yourself and bang your head to the wall. Is just an application, everyone can take this god damn thing as a jokes, and you can't fucking take it ? It's not my business anyways !!

I finished the whole cigarette, I swear this bitch is really killing me. But why would I let it bother me? Was it because he still called Mido? Or was it because Mido told me that he met Nor Dianne during New Year's Eve and she want him back ? What does she wants from me ? Can anyone just tell me did I do something wrong to her ? I didn't do no shit man !! Because of a god damn application and all these things come through. Shit !! this is just not my day !! All of these seriously makes me doubt that, does Mido come back to me because he love me or because of something else....... Shit!! no please !! Imma let this thought go far away from me , man I trust him, he isn't this kind of guy. He is really a nice guy with a pleasant attitude and personality. Mido, he will never do something like this. Never !!

I guess this year ain't going to be as smooth as I thought it would be. But the thing that I know the most is, I'm trying with my heart and soul and my biggest strength to change from the worse to the better. I can't afford to lose him and my family again. And I can't afford to lose my best friend again. There have been walking through this journey with me and I don't want to let them down and disappoint them again. Now that, I've got what I wanted and what I've dreamed of all this time, I should really thank GOD for it. Chances come only once, Once it flees away, it never gonna come back. Grab the chances and do the best to prove it all. Words prove nothing but action and attitude says it all.

Imran Khan :)

this singer , Imran Khan are seriously driving me insane to the max !! the reason why I like this singer weren't because of his body figure or anything but the song BEWAFA , it really had lots and lots of meaning and goshhhh , I went totally crazy until , without listening to his song , I felt like something are missing !! I hope u guys like it , this are one of his song :)

My Valentine's Wishes

Some-times people play HARD TO GET to make sure that the other person's feelings are REAL .

I've learned too many times that if I keep my hopes and expectations high..........it will just lead to disappointments.........

Anyways , in a couple of days I will be leaving for Malacca.....which means I finally got to breathe the college air !!! I can only imagine , what is it going to be like over there :D :D ... many of the sweet , funny and adventure are coming through this year !!!

I had a superb and sweetest night yesterday . I've finally got to see the sweet smile on his face , the sad face day before yesterday really hurts me a-lot. If I could only had one wish , I wish that I could see his sweet smile on his face and I want to see a happy and lively Mido. We were joking and some-times it gets me wonder , was it my stupid jokes makes him laugh or was it because its really funny :D :D ?? hahahahah , I can't believe that I'm smiling all alone here writing these blogg..... I have never had butterflies in my stomach for such a long time , now that is here , I really feels that I'm the most luckiest girl on earth .

Ohhhhh yeahhhh , Valentine's Day is coming soon !! I want my Valentine this year to be "surprisingly" gift me either one of these couple rings from my babe boo........

These rings are just one of a kind , I used to have one from my babe boo 1 year ago but I've lost it when I went for a swim at my friend's apartment. Since then , I've asked him many times to get me a new one but till now he didn't get me one yet . The one I've lost it , are couple rings , under the both of the ring , it's carved our names . Ever since I lost my ring , he barely wear his ring anymore. It's just so sad , I really missed those ring on my finger.

I really prayed that this Valentine , Mido would surprise me with either of these rings under a candle-lit dinner with a rose. I really prayed that it would happen , but the thing is that does he know what is Valentine ? Does he know what couples or husband and wife around the globe did on this day ? He had never celebrate his birthday or any other celebration other that AIDILFITRI and EID day .

Well , I don't wanna sound like ..... hurmmm .... i don't know , materialistics .... ?!!! We both haven't gone on a date for quite some-time. I really want to go on a date with him again , to catch up what we left off . Valentine's my only chance to make him really forget about the betrayal and all the fights . I got the feeling that he still all of the past in his mind . It's really hard to understand him thoroughly , his brain are like a maze and I'm really trying with my heart and soul to understand and fulfill his every needs.

BUHAHAHAHHA , I really can't wait for Valentine !!! I wanna see it coming but I don't wanna watch it go away :D :D .... Oooooppppsss , I almost forgot that I have his assignment to complete , I should have get it started but I'm still here writing my blogg . We both have a deal , if I complete his assignment , he is going to surprise me !! I better go now , he is coming tonight after he finish studies for mid-term.

Gotta go for now , will story story you later after I finish the assignments okay ??? Bye - bye ... muahhhh !!

Teary and Touching Monday

Bewafa , bewafa , bewafa nikli hai tu , jhota pyar , jhota pyar kita hai tu... This songs from Imran Khan can't stop playing in my head since few days ago. I heard this songs from my pep-sister , Banu inside her car. The lyrics are so meaningful after I translate it from google translate. The whole thing that Imran going through in this video are the same thing as Mido is going through while he's with me. I cheated behind his back many times till there were several times that he actually doesn't want to see me ever again. Now that me and him are back together , I'm trying with my heart and soul to stop all the lies and change my attitude. I don't want to lose him ever again. Days without him are really torturing , I really love him so much , I noted that what I have done aren't what the true love did but because of the immature , rebellious and also a young girl that doesn't consider the consequences as a biggest shit that will cause all of this to happen . Now that I have realized what I have done are totally bad and lead me to lose all of my besties , I'm working hard to change my attitude and trying a 360 degree change on myself.

My brother John Ng , called me last night . He hadn't called me for such a long while , the out of the blue phone calls really freaks me out. I admit that I'm scared of my brother because our relationship aren't like me and the other siblings. My brother are always shouting and screaming at me, some-times he even threaten to kill me. I got myself traumatized because of the threatening words before . My brother aren't like the other of my friend's brother , He is some sort of Malaysian Gangster that are dealing with drugs , he owns several clubs in Damansara. Mama doesn't know about my brother's job because he lied to mama that he is a Manager in this Engineering company. My brother , he graduate from University of Cambridge in Engineering , he is 32 years old. There were the times that I'm wondering that why my brother are involve in this kinda of things. He is always spying on me because I'm the youngest in the family , I swear I tried so hard to understand and get along with my brother but it seems to go even worse. Whenever he sees me , he just can't stop yelling at me and some-times he shout at me with the "F" words. It hurts a-lot because my own brother are doing this to me, we have never had a sister-brother talk before. Whenever my friends told me about their family , about their brother , I'm jealous and some-times I cried all alone. Why can't my brother just treat me a little nicer and why is he so harsh on me ? Mama are always using my weak point that I'm afraid of my brother to force me to do something according to her will. When does this going to end ? I love my brother , but I have never felt a brother's love before. I've always remember my brother in my prayers , I always prayed that our relationship will get better and I always hoped that he will open his heart to me.

Right after my brother called , Auntie Catherine and Mama called. They all called to asked me when am I heading back to Malacca. They are kind of disappointed because I promised them I will be back home last week but I didn't turn up because I was with Mido. Mama asked me one questioned , why do I love this guy so much till I choose to be with him instead of coming back home. I told mama that I have been a very bad girl and I hurt this guy so much until he don't trust me no more. The reason why I'm there with him instead of coming back home because I putting a last bet that I will change and make him love me again. He always wants the best of me but I've always letting him down , but this time , this ain't going to happen again . I will change and be a women that he is going to proud of and mama are going to be proud of. My mama smile in tears and said that I began to grown up , she says she love me and she will always love me till the end of time. I cried right after mama says this , I can't wait to see mama this coming weekend , want to give her a big hug and a big kiss.

Last night was kind of messed up, Mido came in the middle of the night to bring me food because I was freaking hungry since the morning. We both were chatting, watching FRIENDS series together . Then , he told me to applied this muscular pain relieve cream of his back. His muscles are causing pain since he came back from fut-sal the other day. Right after the application , he tend to be such romantic today. I really felt the Mido that I first met came alive again , we kissed and ....... so on :D :D .......
But the whole thing was ruin because I can't give the * things* that he want , he start to show me his angry and disappointed face. Without an apology , he really drives me insane. I was crying like hell , I went to talk to him but instead of talking to me , he said he is watching that freaking series and he want me to forget about it. Is really hard to sleep without him hugging me but I managed to sleep. He misses his class this morning :( he went to get MC from a clinic right after I made a cup of nes-cafe for him. I told him that I'm sorry about last night , he grabbed my hand and said it weren't my fault so let's just forget about it. Now that , he left the house , I'm starting to miss him. hurrrrmmmmmm and hungry at the same time. I'm going to cook something to eat right now , and finally I really wish and prayed that this relationship does going smoothly and may all the problems fly far away from us till 29-9-2011 because it's our 2 years anniversary , Amen ~

Punjab2000.com - Bewafa Imran Khan (Official Full Length HD Video)

Sunday Sunny :)

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, it's really a brand new day with a fresh start. I threw everything out of my chest last night when I came back from Pavillion with Barnawi , Naju and Mido. My mood just went away without a trace just for a tiny little incident, he ain't walking with me hand in hand as we used to do before. The whole hanging out thingy was cold as ice. I miss the old days where we both were laughing , madly in love and doing all the crazy things.

The moment I stepped my foot inside the room, I had a hard talk with him. But he was so cool as ice and asking me something about Seeka. I told him the truth between me and him and even told him what I talked about to Seeka and all the other stuff. Instead of questioning me more, he grabbed his phone and called Seeka. He put him on loud-speaker and wanted me to remain silent. They both were speaking in arabic language but I understand the whole thing without Mido translate it to me. I really do understand, I can't believe what I've just heard and OMG . I really didn't know Seeka is this kinda guy. Before, I seriously thought that he was a nice guy, but after last night , ohh na na na na , he is micheal jackson bad, son of a bitch !! hhahahahaha , thank GOD that he ain't know that I was beside Mido when Mido called him last night, i finally see his true color. Imagine , if he knew I was there with Mido , I don't think he is going to say all of this shit !!

I was supposed to go back to Auntie Catherine's house today but I didn't went because I woke up very late and was cleaning the house. I will go back this coming Tuesday , I really need to prepared an acceptable explanation why I ain't coming back today. Mido went to futsal at Bangi , and I was left alone at home with Abdulfatah. I was cleaning the whole of the house and the kitchen plus bathroom. Now that the house clean and spotless, wonder what is going to happen next when the big , sweaty boy come back from futsal :D :D .. College is starting soon and have to get ready for studying , assignments, exams and GPA's !! I'm really glad that my auntie finally agreed me for all this college things. I really love my family and lucky that GOD gave me a wonderful family. Thanks to GOD that he finally open up my eyes to see all of the people around me and glad that now i have no disturbance.

As I said before , people talked , you can't just go around them and tell them to shut their mouth. You want them to stop talking, you look at yourself , change yourself into a better person lead a successful life then people will stop talking about. They will come begging you to be their friends instead of talking shit about you. These people , they are just a bunch of useless haters and they've got nothing benefits to do instead of ruining people's happiness. So let them be, you do your things and people will leave you alone.

Hurmmmmm... I'm getting hungry as hell now.. Didn't eat nothing since the moment I wake up. The McDonald's delivery are here.. Let me eat my dinner , lunch , breakfast and we will talk about something else. Bye bye !

NEW ME !!

la la la .... I'm back here again.... hahhaha .. it's been the most happiest day I ever had in my life. I finally realized what are the most important thing in life , relationship , sister-hood and family. I had a fight with Mido like weeks ago and he called me and said something he had never said to me before. Something real bad and the most hurtful words a girl can ever get from a guy. But thanks to that words , I finally woke up from that fairy tale dreamed. Our relationships went sucked because of the talking that people around can't shut their mouth and also the LIES that comes from me.

One thing is that , people talk! You can't just go everywhere and tell people to shut their mouth. The most important thing is YOU , yourself, what can you do to make them shut their mouth. Before you change the people around you, you look at yourself in the mirror and change yourself . Realize your own mistakes and your true personality when your among the others. Love can't be force once you cast a hurt on that person, you need to give them space and time for their heart to heal and re-unite. I live for a few days , I mean like weeks without a phone because my sim-card are giving problem. I need to get a new sim-card, but I don't seems to do so. It's really peaceful without hearing a phone ringing, and a text messages come through.

I just need or perhaps GROW UP. My so called besties aren't my real besties anyways, they stabbed me from behind, the only person that are really there for me all the time , is my pep-sister, BANU !! She helped me ever since the day I'm down till I almost suicide !! She brighten up my life with love, cares and support. I have learned a-lot of useful lesson these days. I have never feel so free before, have never feel so relieve before. It seems like I have re-born again, hahahha ... The name JOEY or BELLA really shows me what real life are even-though it gives myself a bad reputation. But still thanks to this names that shows what exactly the real world are out there. The safer place where I can found is my family's arm and my sister's arm.

The only person I can really trust is MYSELF. Not banu , not Mido, not anyone else but me !! I have to re-look this world with another eye, have to learn how to be strong and mature in thinking. Because when life knocks you down, you can choose whether or not to get back up. You just have to learn how to grab the golden opportunities that lies in front of you, once the chances flee away, there will never be a second chances. Finally on the Monday , I can get my feet into the college door at MULTIMEDIA COLLEGE , MALACCA. About Mido , we both need some-time to just chill and relax. He needs some-time to think and me, I need some-time to figure out our love. We are still cool and we are still see-ing each other.

Let's just threw all the past aside, open a new life book and start a new life with new adventures and new romance. What is past , is past. What are really important is the presence and the future. Grab the past as a life lesson and never repeat the same mistakes again. I want to start with a fresh , and clean BELLA . A new BELLA that everyone are proud of and people that used to talk about me can shut their mouth !! Dear Lord, lighten up my path and guide me all through this journey. I ask this through Christ our Lord , Amen!!

Crazie Bella !

Arggghhh !!! I'm so disturb...my feelings are upside down !! Scare and worry at the same time.. Seriously, ever since I clean the house and the moment that I sit down at the couch and relax; My heart are beating like the speed of light and worry at the same time...Awwwwww... what am I suppose to do ?

What's going to happen today? Ohh please, hopefully there won't be another fight between me and Mido. I swear I'm so scare, and on the other hand, I'm scare because I promised my auntie Catherine that I will go back to Damansara on the Wednesday but I did not. Mommy and Daddy, Chloe and James and my sister Siew Lee came all the way from Australia for a vacation. Ohh Godness , why did I break the promise and I bet they called me a lot of times but I just don't seems to find the guts to answer their calls. What Am I suppose to do ?? Ohhhhh !!! Arrrghhhhhh !!!

Stupid bella , dumb dumb bella !!! Arghhhhh , can't you just be a little more mature and grow up?? You are 20 and you are no longer consider a kid !! A girl like you should know what are RESPONSIBILITIES AND PROMISES suppose to mean !! Argggghhhh !!! I'm hungry at the same time, I ate a lot since last night , 2 bowls of coco-crunch , double instant noodles , 2 cups of cokes , half of the coffee and 1 redbull. hahahha I drank more than I ate :D :D ... haiiiyooooorrrr * chinese accent * this is crazyyy !!! feeling , feeling , go away !! Maybe nothing is going to happen, I think too much that's why !! Stop thinking bella !! By the way , dear bloggers , do you ever believe in fairy tale ? I mean the lovey-dovey love story like the princess and the prince charming thingy ? Ever since I'm a kid, I've dreamed of a perfect relationship and a perfect guy that fits these criteria : romantique , understanding , charming , and cute guy would appeared in my life. But I have never go through all these kind of love before, but I went through the other way. Even though there are many bitter sweet but it makes me realize a lot of things. Realationship or friendship will not last any longer if either of us not being completely honest with each other , trust , faith and hope !! Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to ditched your best friend nor your family. Family shall always be the first priority and then the friendship. Open your eyes widely and choose your friend wisely. Friend that are there when your having good or bad times , friends that hide no secrets between each other, friends that are always right by your side to support and want nothing back in return shall be consider as true friend and this you can call them FRIEND.

I can't do this anymore, whatever happens between me and Mido, I have to be brave and strong to walk through this journey, I can't let anyone around me down and filled with disappointment again!! Just can't and I know that deep down I have the gut to do it, just that is always that I'm a coward myself that's the reason why all the thing that are planned didn't go the way I want. I have to move forward, mommy are getting old, I don't want them to leave this earth with a disappointment. I want them to be proud to have a daughter like me!! I shouldn't have let them down !! yaaay !! will be leaving to college soon !! like real soon !! Can't wait !!

haiyooooooorr * chinese accent * enough !!! why can't this feeling go away !! you stupid dumb dumb nervous feeling !! go away nooow!!! Arghhhhh !! I'm getting crazzzy noooow !!! arrrrgggghhhh !!! mommy what should I do ??