GooDBye 2010 !!

Today's the last day of 2010 and tomorrow are 2011. I can't believe that my whole night are filled with tears, sadness and all of the hurtful feeling. Everyone are getting ready to get to clubs for the countdown and the others are off to some romantic vacation , while me , just in the room, my eyes are swollen, can't see anything clearly and it's just arghhhhh !! I just don't know myself anymore ...

" I don't want to be in a relationship with you or any other girls anymore. I just want to be single and want to have fun with my friends and be alone " This word that came out from his mouth are like the thousand knifes strikes right through my heart. I just can't believe that MIDO said this to me... Goshhhh.... why does it have to be like this ... no !! no !!! I don't want to end it this way , GOD please. No matter how hard I tried to talked to him , seems like ain't no shit is gonna change his mind ! Oh Lord, I just don't feel the whole of my body weight and I almost fainted. I found myself crying and crying so hard. I need a hug , a big one.. I can't handle this one. What have I done to deserve all of this? I know that what I have done before was a huge mistakes but please I don't want to lose him !!

I hate goodbyes , I hate break up , I hate hurting , I hate all of these feelings , is killing me inside. Having no one to talk to and no one to understands me ! I feel so all alone, I had enough of losing , I don't want an extra one because it's FUCKING hurt !! When will I be able to find happiness again ? When does my new life book gonna start ? It's always begin with smile and joy and end up with tears. I guess that it's my destiny that I shall walk this journey alone. Someone told me last night , everybody went through some break up shits and yeahh , they are sad but after that , they moved on. But what if you are just so much crazy in love with someone and all your previous relationship are not more than 3 month but this particular one that you are crazy about are with you for almost 1 year and half ? And the both of you been through whole lot of shits , memories everywhere !! Tell me now, what are you going to do ?

Guess mother was right, I ain't suitable for the love thing. Each time I fell in love, each time I get hurt, the hurt that are inside my heart cost me some serious shit. Right now, all I have to worried about are COLLEGE ! that's all because these are the things that keep spinning in my brain and costs me butterflies whenever I'm thinking about it. hahaha COLLEGE ... whooohooo... is a whole new stories and adventure there ! Can't wait to feel a college air and get my heads in the tonnes of assignments and examination ! Finally my wishes are granted ! Ain't no body is perfect in this world , we make mistakes , we screw things up, but then we forgive and move forward ! I'm not perfect, the mistakes that I have made throughout my entire life , are way more than you think it could be. But the thing is that, I just need to wake up from this bad dream and stop the entire bad things that I have been doing, well then I will have people around me again and maybe TRUST !

But when I looked into his eyes , I sensed that he still cares about me and still love me. Is it end or not yet , that shall see what is going to happen when he came back from ALAMANDA. Let's hopes for the best, I realized a lot of things now. I should have just be matured and I know that GOD is with me. With no fear , will I fight this feeling.

Sleep-less NIGHT !!

I found myself hard to sleep these days. Why there so much of un-ending story between me and MIDO ? Why I can't get him out of my brain, my heart and my vision? He deleted me from facebook but why do I even care ? Why does my heart beats like the speed of light whenever he comment on the other girl's wall or send the other or as well edit those girl's some pictures ?

Being so closed with him tonight but can't even hug him or kiss him or even tell him how much I miss him and need him once again in my life. He barely look at me in the eyes, we barely even talk and now that he is sleeping and I'm wondering alone here in front of the laptop writing this blogg. I was just wondering if I made a mistakes by coming to Kajang to meet him. I remember that I told my mother that I want to go to college so badly and they agreed finally but in one condition, "AM I READY TO SACRIFICES " ??

Gosh..!! I hate this feeling, feeling of broken heart and pain in my heart where words can't describe how much it hurts. There are many people out there that want to date me out and want me even to be their other half but I see nothing on them. MIDO are the only one that filled my eyes and my heart. Gosh..! Now that I don't know what is going to happen when he is awake, he told me that we will discuss about " US " ..

Maybe there is no more us and maybe , maybe .... arghhhh I really don't know... Why do I come here in the first place? knowing that nothing I can do and knowing that I can't turn back time to the day before we fight. Why ? Having a cigarette on my hands and controlling myself not to cry while writing this blogg, I felt like piece of shit .. A useless me !! GOD , I need a sign! please , I'm begging u !! I have nothing left on me, I'm a mess , a huge mess where I have lost every single thing around me , FRENS , LOVE , HOPE , TRUST , CONFIDENCE AND PRIDE. I've got nothing left in me !! DAMMNNN... nobody ever knows what it feels like to be JOEY ANABELLE GONZALEZ !! I might always have a smile on my face , being a crazy friends but deep down , my heart is torn into a zillion pieces , I swear I'm freaking regret of what I have done with my life. Wishing that I could turn back time where I was born or maybe where I was a teenagers. But this just ain't going to happen.

When will I ever be happy and have a new life again ? When will the angel ever appeared again and protect me from all these hurts ? I don't think there might be an angel for someone like me. Guess that right now, the only friend that I have got left is this blogg. This blogg truly understands me and is the laptop that kept my secrets. Someone might thought that what is wrong with girl? she is always coming up with the new stories. But the fact is that , being JOEY ANABELLE GONZALEZ is the worse and suckest thing I ever had in my life and I began to hate myself. If I ever write a book , I guess the story of my life will be an un-ending story because the pain, the love and the adventure I have been through are uncountable and words can't describe.

Broken - Hearted Girl !

hurmmm,, few days without an internet is really torturing! But finally found one here so I'm just gonna tell you what I have been doing whole day and what happen the whole day.

I was struggling to sleep last night. I always told my friend that I will forget about MIDO, but it's not as easy as I thought it could be. All the memories just flashes by and I found myself hard to closed my eyes and sleep last night. Only GOD knows how much I missed this guy but what else I can do? He doesn't want to see my face ever again and there is nothing else I can do, even there is but it might sound stupid. I woke up kinda late today and was cleaning the house and watching movies. Suddenly, a crazy idea came across my mind, called MIDO and asked him if I can see him for the last time tomorrow - 31 december. To my surprise, instead of the ringtone that I've always heard, I found his voice on the line , I almost cried but I controlled myself. I asked him if I can meet him tomorrow, he said why don't I just come right now, straight away, because he will be busy tomorrow and he can't see me after that.

So I've decided to go for the last time , just to talked to him and see how things going and if it don't work out like what it used to be then I vowed to leave him alone and totally forget about him! The moment I reached Kajang , my hand is cold as ice, I had butterflies all over my stomach and the moment he is next to me, my lips is sealed and I'm speechless as in no words came out of my mouth. We both sat down inside the room and he just looked at me and asked me what do I want to talked about. I looked at him and before I could open my mouth he asked me why did I do all of that, I was about to answer the question but he said just forget about it and he is tired of asking the same question all the time. I almost cried, but I controlled myself and I asked him if there are any possible way that we can get back together again. He answered me I don't know. Gosh, my heart broke into a thousand pieces and is pain like a thousand knifes strikes to my heart ! He gave me his back , I looked at his back , GOD knows how badly I want to hug him and tell him I need him again but I can't.

I did not stay any longer , I went to balcony and I can't help it anymore. I started to cry and GOSHHHHH !! I didn't even find any guts to tell him that I've got accepted to VICTORIA UNIVERSITY and will be leaving on february for the february intake ! He still thought that I'm lying to him but I'm not anymore , but is okie ,, guess that this time , he just don't want me anymore and he just don't need me anymore. Watching the others having fun with their loves one and cuddling, I'm just all alone. I'm trying to be as strong as I can but I'm not strong enough as anyone thought I am .

Oh GOD , please help me. I know that the one that are gonna read this blogg might be mad or maybe draw a distance from me but i just want you know that to forget someone you loved, it takes time and I just crazy about him. It's hard for me to let it go but time will proved everything. Now that my life is a messed , all of this make me afraid of losing again. I have lost all hope , trust and maybe I won't be able to feel love again because the hurt and the torn in my heart takes time to heal. Besides I have lost all of my pride and I need sometime to find it again. The only person I have left is just GOD and my family. I have lost all of my friend and the other half of me are all gone.

If MIDO ever read this blogg , i guess he will know what it feels to write this blogg of mine. I found myself sometimes crying and laughing whenever I described how my life are in this blogg. The whole thing here are all the truth and things that I have been through. Just so you know that, I have enough of losing, I can't beared another loss. I will be torn apart. Please GOD , help me on this. tell me what I should do and please do make me stronger to walk through this journey of yours. I really don't want to mess up my life again. Please GOD, give me a sign , tell me what I should do !!

STEP UP !!

Am back again !

this time with a whole new stories.. guess even you won't believe what I'm gonna describe down here! 'm going back to college!! yeahh seriously , no jokes. I spend my Christmas talking to my mother and my auntie about this. I just have to because life ain't easy without a qualification. Is hard to look for a job without a diploma or a degree. Each and every company in Malaysia expectations are getting higher and higher due to the economies and the political changes. Besides, I'm never gonna be 20 years old , one day I will get old and have a family . So do you think , without a qualification , will I ever gonna get a good husband ? What if I have a kids , what am I gonna tell my kids about myself ? They would probably be embarrassed when someone asked about their mother .

I have a really bad memories here in Kuala Lumpur , Malaysia. A bad memories in a way that , I have been in rehab and I have been a really bad girl to my family and even to the people around me. The SEX life and every single thing. The only way to step up is to sacrifice all of the fun and get out of Malaysia to study , get a better life and get a better future. I just have start off with stop the " LIES " . That's the only choices I have. I have been thinking a lot these days. My family have always wanted to watch me graduate in an University, but I failed them. I let them down many times, I disappoint them. My mother are getting old , one day she will pass away . If she does , what is gonna happen to me ?

I just have to make up my mind as soon as possible because, my auntie ,she offered herself to help me on this , I mean with the financial part.

But I don't want to stay in Malaysia anymore , I want to get out of this country. I really have to. All I ever wanted is that, my family can trust me . I really prayed that they can trust that I can get a good result and are ready to study real hard. I will proved to them. I just need trust. I'm ready to sacrifice everything , and I swore I won't turn them down again. I will do whatever it takes ! GOD , I just need this chance for the freaking last time ! GOD , If I ever get this chance I swear , I will do my very best and I will graduate , and get my self-confidence back. Please pray for me people, prayed that my family will help me and prayed that nothing is gonna come to my way. Ain't nothing gonna stop me this time. Please GOD , only you and my family can help me. I won't let you down again!

CraZiE WeeKeNd !!

I had the craziest weekend ever!! Can't believe that all of my buddies and hubby are way more crazy than I am. Mido went to Amanah to study. He got like 3 assignments and 3 quiz coming up soon and he needs to do a whole lot of revision. I did helped him a little bit but he can't study well while he is with me, because he will be talking and joking around with me. He went back around the evening and he promised me that he will be right back when he is done with his studies. So I stayed at home along with Ali and Yaya. It was kind of bored without him but he left me no choice, besides I just had to understands his situation. :) It's cool , had my dinner at KFC with them and then we went to the other apartment to pick Barnawi and Naju to go to Alamanda for a movie. They were amazed with my new hairstyles .. hahha guess that this new styles really suits me and they all liked it. We went to Burger King to meet up the other guys .. My hubby is there, so it make us 10 in a group, Sam , Adnan , Fatoot , Fikre , Mido , Barnawi , Naju , Yaya , me and Ali.

They planned to watch a movie and already bought the ticket, but its a midnight movie . We have like extra 2 hours before the movie started, so Ali decided to go to Karaoke!! hahahhaha ... all of us went crazy at the Karaoke , we were jumping , shouting , screaming and dancing besides that we are all as if new borns monkey doing some crazy stunts .... It was the best night ever !! We were there for an hour to pass our times while waiting for the movie ,,,, At the end of the Karaoke , Mido sang arabic song ,,, I didn't know that he can sing so well ... Gosh , It was the craziest and I will never forget ..

After that , we head to the cinema, the movie is about to start , we bought some popcorns and chips . The movie's name is FAIR GAME. It's the most boring and racist movie I ever saw , its all talking about Saddam Hussein and Daaammmn !!! We went out of the cinema after like an hour or two... The best night had to come to an end when we are tired and most of us are sleepy .. We went back home , and Mido came home after like an hour ... I really enjoyed my weekend and I wished that everyday is the good day and please I want no more fight after this , really can't handle another havoc ! So I'm going to cooked the spaghetti now , see ya'll soon :)

Just Wants To see U !!

Was wondering around midvalley yesterday looking for job, Banu woked me up around 7am to showered up go to Midvalley with her. She worked there at this Sony Company. She worked there for quite a long time. I've found like 10 jobs offering good salary. So I arrange some interview with them, filled up the application form that they give me. Was hanging around the area till afternoon, went to Starsbucks for some coffee . Was looking at my mobile phone and thought of texting Mido and see how is he doing. Since he won't have any classes the next day, so I text him to see if he wants to meet up. To my surprised, he replied and said he would want to meet me after he woke up around 8pm. My heart is blooming as autumn. Can't believe he wants to see me after the last time we had a big fight. So I'm counting hours till 8pm.

When the it's almost 8pm, Banu drove me back to her place and I helped her to cleaned up the house. What was in my mind is that should I tell her the truth that I'm going to meet Mido ? She told me before that never tell anyone that I'm back to Kuala Lumpur including Mido besides she doesn't want me to meet him as well. So I had came up with the different stories that I went back to Damansara to meet my relatives. She drove me to the train station and I took a train to Serdang station were Mido is waiting for me.

When I reached there to the Serdang Station, he was surprised with my new hair style. I'm so freaking nervous when I get in the car, I just missed him to bits and I can't believe he is in front of me right now. I'm trying to controlled myself all the way to his house, that I can't take it anymore. I told him how nervous I am and how much I missed him. I almost cried but I told myself not to. God, I just loved this guy so much and words can't describe how much this guy mean to me. It was the best night of my life, I get to breathe again , but I'm just wondering If he feel the same way too?? He told me he missed me, but I have to worked real hard to proof it to him and talk without action means nothing. Guess that he is right.

Right now, what I have to do is get all my life planned and stable. Get a job , a room that what is in my mind , and thats what I have to concern. I have to put Mido aside for a moment and concentrate for all these things. Once all these 2 things is in my hands, it will be under controlled and I don't have to be afraid anymore if he would leave me or not.Well after all that , then I can think about getting Mido back.

Now , I'm just gonna live with no worries as I had before. Just do my thangs and behave myself. Be a good girl and make the whole of my family proud of me including Banu. I know this day is about to come :) To all my friends and families please pray for me, for ur prayers and blessings will gives me strength and courage. Amen !

NiGhTMaRe !!

It's been a while since I logged in to this blog and wrote some stuff that people called it " online diary " . This whole month have been a creepy nightmare for me and I don't think I'm awake from this dream still.

My real nightmares begins right after my birthday. It was a perfect surprise birthday I ever had. My little romeo , Mido gave me a surprise birthday bash which only my close friends are there with me. I had a real fun till the next day that I woke up with an awkward feeling in my heart. He came in the room with a stressful face telling me that one of his friend , FATOOT, his cousin is back and he needed the room we are currently staying . He told me that he got no choice but to go back to his hostels but the only things he's worried about, is me! He asked me where will I go and where will I be staying. As for me, it happened so suddenly and I didn't know what to said. I told him maybe I might as well go back to Malacca or go back to Cyberjaya because I have a job interview the following morning. So he said alright and he drove me home. We both didn't have any conversations along the way till we reached cyberjaya. He was so freaking angry with his friends and he just can't believe what just happened.

The moment that I reach home, it was all alright but till I went for dinner with my friend. I felt like there is something gonna happened and this time is something serious but not something tiny. Approximately after 2 hours, Mido called me and he started questioning me. He asked me what are my relationships with MOE , and have I slept with him or even kissed him. I told him NO and I explained to him that MOE is my best friend and we are like siblings. But he don't seems to accept the explanation and started doubting me.Besides MOE , he also asked me what are my relationships with this Kenyan dude from APPIT university. I said we are friends. All I heard is that , I'm lying to him and he doesn't believe me and he said, one of his friends called him and tell him things about me, things which are dirty! He closed the phone in my face. I was crying as hell , tried to called him but he ain't picking up. Gosh, I can't believe this is happening. My boyfriend is doubting on me.

Things went really bad till I had to go back to Malacca because he wanted me to. I went back to Malacca for like a week. It was a torturing week, as for he asked for break up and he said even if we get back together again, he will never trust me again!! I was crying and torturing myself, end up in the hospital for low-blood pressure. Why does this have to happened to me ? It's just so soon. Why does the others love to ruin someone else's' relationship ? What benefit will they get after that ?

A week later, I called him once again. Mido told me that I should forget him for a while , find myself , get a job and start a new life. But if I ever want him back, I need to stablelize myself with a job and my own room. And that he will trust me again. But right now, seems like he don't feel anything about me anymore. So all I had to do is get myself a great job and be a strongest girl ever. I've got to stop fantasizing that me and Mido are gonna stay forever. It never gonna be and he will never married me. I'm just wondering , what do I mean to him ? A doll ? A lover ? or a girl for pleasure ? I really don't know !

Now that I'm back on track , I just have to concentrate on what I'm doing. I have to put my family as my first priority and my sister , BANU ! She helped me a lot , and there is nothing that I could do to repay her ! But one thing that I know is , MIDO , I'm no longer that BELLA you used to know , I'm a totally different girl right now. A girl that looking forward to the brightest future and strongest girl fulled with self confidence, trust and faith. So if I'm just a pleasure to you, why don't you just let me know instead of torturing me like this. I'm crying over here day and night , what about u ? Did you ever think about me when you're about to sleep ? Did you think about me when you're about to eat your daily meal ?

If all this was just a nightmare , GOD please wake me up ! I don't want to stay any longer in this nightmare ! I can't handle this anymore !

New Start But Depressed !!

Guess that I haven't been in this blog for like a week and half. Things have been such a hectic and I began to tremble. Been such depressed these days .

My honey bun just got back from Saudi Arabia like last week. I was supposed to feel happy and excited about he finally come back here to Malaysia. But I'm wondering why I didn't feel that way; Instead of feeling happy, I feel scared but deep down I just felt like is this a dream that he has got back. Barnawi and Naju came to picked me up from cyber and we all go to the airport to pick Mido up. The moment that I saw him, I just want to ran to him and hug him tight but there were too many people around so I just have to wait till we reached home.

We spend the whole week together till he decides that I have to moved to Kajang. I wanted to stayed with him, It have been my biggest wished ever. But the problem is he doesn't know that actually I was lying about the job. I haven't got a job yet and I'm totally out of cash. I was trying so hard to get a job but the things is these days all the company are only hiring fresh graduates with certificates. Not someone like me .

Now that I got to know , I'm gonna be the only one staying in this new house and he is going back to his hostel. I feel so down. I know that he loved me and he wants the best of me but leaving me alone in this house , this just doesn't seems right. He told me this morning before he off to class, he will be going back to his hostel tonight because, he can't stayed out. The reason is , if he stayed with me , he won't be going to class. Instead waking up early , he will sleep the whole day. He told me like this semester is so much important for him to work on his GPA. No matter how sad I am, I just have to take it. I just have to be understanding and a positive thinker in this case.

I found like few jobs today and was calling them for the interview. Got an interview like 9am tomorrow @ Bu-kit Jalil. I prayed that I can get this job , is my only hope. I just can't stayed like this, jobless and money-less. Even mom didn't know about this. I was lying to mom about the job! GOD , how bad I am. But I've got no other choice, It would be such a embarrassment .

I have been such depressed about my life and I just can't stop thinking that I'm useless. My relationship status are, when he finished his studies , our love story is over. I don't want to end the relationship in this way , I love him so much. Even if he is older than me by 6 years , I'd still love him. Hema was right , I'm ready to die for this guy if I ain't have him with me. In order to make this relationship works successfully , I need to get myself a better job so that I don't have to depend on him all the time. Besides, I need to change my attitude and all sort of things. Just have to change 360 degree to be with this guy.

Am I ready for all this? This I have to asked my heart. Because, seriously , I'm getting older and for how long I want to depend on a guy for food and lodging ? I need to be independent. And after all , I know that I can do it .All I ever need is a CONFIDENT and TRUST in myself.

my brain is FUCKED UP !!

My brain is so freaking messed up. I can't handle this anymore, same shit every single day and it's just driving me crazy. I'm trying to fixed my relationships with this friend of mine. But seemed like I failed to do so, not failed actually, but I just gave up. I'm dead trying, I don't think its going to work out. I just can't take this shit anymore, same old routine every single day. The moment I woke up, the house is fulled of hatred, faces and all sort of bullshits. I can't handle this anymore, a day or two is okie but it's freaking throughout the whole week or maybe its been month already. I been blamed for causing problems, what did I do? I mean like I do know I did something awful but I'm trying to fixed the problem here, but the friend of mine just don't seems to co-operate with me.

Just a few days left and I will be leaving the house to a new apartment I guess. I just want to walk out through the door, I don't want to stay in house of pain. I need some peace of mind, somewhere I know who am I , somewhere I belong to, somewhere I can make some new plan for my future. I have so many dreams that I want to complete, so many things I wanted to do. But I just can't find anything in this house. I'm sick and tired of it already.

Only GOD knows how much it hurts deep down. Watching someone that used to be so closed with you selling himself shortly. Sometimes I'm stupid, sometimes I'm a baby, I do have a small brain, I prefer someone walk to me and tell me what have I done wrong. Straight forward is what best for me. I just hate when someone just have to turn a whole big round and tell me things. Plus, if you want to know who I really am and want to get closed to me, open up your heart and come clean and then I will do my part.

The more I talked about it, the more it hurts me inside. Enough of talking, I just don't care anymore! One thing for sure, I want to go away from all this! The moment I walked out this door is the moment where I won't turn back!

Sad and Stupid Wednesday !!

ermm... I can't believe that I slept the whole day last night. I wasted the whole day with sleeping. The moment I woke up, my pep-sister Banu called me. She wanted me to come over to her place but I'm just too broke to go over her place. Was trying to ask Mohammad if he got some cash with him, unfortunately, he was broke as well. So I decided to return Banu's call and told her that I can't make it. But seems like she is sort of disappointed. But I can't do anything, I'm just broke and I'm no that type of girl that just walk up to someone and say to them that I need money. That's just ain't me.

So I wake up and freshen up myself then I sat at the couch with my friends, Mohammad and some of the other guys. We all sat near the parlor and chilling. We all jokes around and one of Mohammad's friend, Mubarak is the Dj of the night. We had some tiny party till the morning. The night was awesome but getting a little emotional when I'm alone chatting on face-book. I remember that one friend of mine are not talking to me as we used to before and have been ignoring each other over 3 weeks now.

So I decided to write him a message in his inbox and apologize for what I have done and hope that he could forgive me. Well its EID by the way, so I thought it would be a good idea if I ask for forgiveness in these days. Because usually all the friends get along in these days and forgive each other mistakes. After I wrote him a message, I really prayed that he will read it. Yeah He did read it but he did not reply the message. As I thought before I send him the message, he will read it but he ain't going to reply. But is ok, I did my part so is up to him to do the same thing. I don't go begged for people like this.

My romeo called me late in the afternoon. We both chatted on Skype and DAMMED !! I miss him as hell, can't wait for him to come back and pick him up from the airport! I can imagine that day in front of me. He looked really awesome today, he shaved his mustache and he wear his traditional outfit! Seriously, he looked different and so much matured. He is the best honey pie I ever had and I really can't live without him. He means the world to me.

Now that everyone at home are sleeping, I feel so all alone again after my romeo went offline. Some of them are sleeping, some of them are with the laptop, chatting and other studying for the finals. Same old routine every single day really kills me inside. I just miss my mommy and I feels like going back home and I do really need a big hug from mommy. I do really missed her eventhough I called her day and night.

Just so that you know, my life is complicated as it seems. TOO many stories to tell and at the same time is kind of funny and u might be laughing or maybe thinking throughout this blog. I'm blessed with wonderful people around me that creates so many colorful scene in my life. Thank GOD for giving me these people around me.

My Sweetest Friends :)

These are all of my crazy friends that I found so many things we all share in commons. MARWAN, TD , MJ, FIKRI, BARNAWI, NAJU , BANU !! They are always there for me whenever I need their help, whenever I'm down. Besides we all loves travelling and there were this days that we went for vacations. Woow !! Can't stop smiling when all of these sweetest and craziest memories flashes back. We are all from different countries, different cultures but have the same thing in mind. We all wished that we can have a true friend and have a shoulder to cry on. I love all of them and they are all like a part of my family. Everything would be incomplete without these people around me. Sometimes, I found myself fantasies about all of us getting married at the same day, same date, same place. DAMN!! that would be crazy and dope!! Well fantasy always stays as a dream, I just wished that this dream will come true. If it ever come true, I will be the most luckiest girl in the world. We all fight, sulks with each other and sometimes suspicious about each other but in the end of the day we all realize how much valuable this friendship are. Despite the fighting, we all became as closed as a family and no one can tear us apart. I don't think that 1 day is enough for me to recite the stories of these crazies friends of mine. Lets starts off with MARWAN. He loves bob marley as hell, whenever you sat next to him in his car, you will be hearing him singing all of the bob marley song and he will be playing all of his collection through USB. TAREG or TD is somehow a womanizer. He loves to look around for hot chicks or some girls that suits his apetite, after all he is the funniest guy and a nice brother. MJ , or so called micheal jackson junior, is the most lovable and so called casanova in the group :D he loves to dance and he is the greatest dancer compare to me hhehe... he is a sweet and funny guy that loves to makes everyone laugh whenever we are chilling together. While BARNAWI is the dark-ass that everybody loves, he loves bling bling and mahyn!! he got styles !!hhahha ... :DD Well , about NAJU.. she is the most craziest girl I ever met, the girl that everyone wishes to be apart of and you can't go anywhere without tagging her along with you! BANU, she bacame my pep-sister ever since the day we get closer to each other, in a sense like I became part of her family. The way she take care of me, and the ways she treats me are just exactly the way she treats her sister. I love all these people so much, I'd rather die than hurt them. They are the best thing that ever happens in my life.

I just wished that the relationships and the bonds between us remains strong and our trust remains firmed and nothing can tear us apart. May GOD bless all of them, guide them and protects them away from harm. Grant them HAPPINESS, BLESSINGS AND ETERNAL LIFE . Amen .

GOODBYE IBRAHEM

Friendship is one of the main thing that makes life worthwhile. When you have a friend to confide in, suffering seems more bearable, and pleasures are more intense. Everything is better when you have a friend to share it with. When a friendship breaks, whether or not it is for the best, there is a degree of pain and mourning that an individual goes through. There were things that you may have done only with that person and you feel a void in your life. A guy that used to be my brother turns out to be so cold and mean at times. We have known each other for almost 2 years and half, we shared many things in common and we feel each other such as thoughts, words and every little thing.

Things began to changed when he came back from Saudi Arabia. We were still talking at the moment but all of a sudden, he began to ignored me and stay far away from me. He's suspicious on me for no reason, me and one of his friends, Mohammad, are closed friends and sometimes my brother are too busy to even asked or talk to me. S o the only person I can talk to and shared all the problems is Mohammad. He is a very understanding, besides he got all the solutions to all my problems. He is a unique guy in his own way. Unlike Ibrahem, he is trying to drift me away from anybody. He just wants me to stay close to him, sometimes whenever I went out with my friends, he will start questioning where will I be. I understands that he is worried about my safety and he is concern about me as like I'm his younger sister. But sometimes, when someone just don't trust you for whatever you do, things just don't work out.

The only things that I cried for are, we both been through whole lot of hard times, why is he not matured enough to see who I am and what I am. True friends are hard to find these days and there have not been any true friends around me until a few that appears in my life. All I can say is I'm just good with these few people around me, there is nothing more I want. Even if I have to lose you as my brother, I wont bother anymore because let the gones be bygones. We just have to leave all the past behind and live for the future.

So that you know, I have already delete you from my life. So just live your own life and stop putting all those faces in front of my friends and go get a life !!

My SisTer , Ashley .

With a coffee in my hand, I sit back and think about the yesteryears, where there is only me and her, my sister. She is the greatest gift of all.

We shared whole lot of things in common. I admired her style, her personality and honestly, I do make her as my idol. Everyone in the family love her. I do admit that sometimes I get jealous from her because she is the center of attention in the family.

We fight, we cried, but our loves remains so strong. I feel her in any different ways and we shared so many secrets. She is always there for me when I found myself helpless and when I'm down. I remembered there were the time that I can't wait for her to come back home from work, can't wait to hear her stories of what happened in her work place. I was such a bad kid when I was young till my mother decide to stop questioned about me, and stop those care she used to gave me. My sister quit her job because she wanted to play the mother's role to me. She take good care of me, she assigned me to a new school. She did so much things for me when I was young, but yet I failed to gained her trust and I even failed to make her proud of me. I'm so much regret for the things I have done before. I just wished that there would be a time machine to rewind back to the time when I was young . So that I can showed her how much I loved her and how much she means to me. Now that she is far from me, I've lost the other part of me. We hardly chatted online, we hardly seen each other. She is busy with her work and she is even engaged. I just can't believe that I've missed so many stories that is happening around her. The only memories that can't stop playing in my brain are the moments when we both have a great time together and we both sleep on the same bed together. I just can't stop laughing when I remembered how angry she was when she found out that I was using her perfumes and wearing her clothes without her permissions. The only persons that remember when is birthday and get a birthday cake for me is you. You did so much things to make me happy and so many other things to showed me how much you care about me, but I was failed to showed you the same thing you done for me.

All I can say now is, my sister, you mean the world to me. I love you so much. I'm sorry for all the things that I've done, I'm sorry if I have failed to make you happy when you are with me. Right now, I just can't wait for you to come back and spent time with you. You are the best thing that ever happen to me. I'm lucky to have a wonderful sister like you. I just wished that you feel the same way too. I love you sis, May GOD bless you and protects you away from harm.

My Life.

I remember the days, when my mind used to be overrun with emotions and thoughts of all things goods and the worst. A s time went by with each new day, and with a brand new life to look forward to, my mind emptied itself in a flash, just like that. With a glass of mountain dew in my hand, I sit back and think about the yesteryears. Smiling at the change that has taken over me and the life that I have been blessed with now. Strolling down the memory lane, unafraid of the future blinded by the ecstasy of living. Eventually, with wide eyes open, I've come to understand that, something, including life, change for the better. You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of and you will never live if you can't stop searching for the meaning of life. This is what I realized after so long. Why should we hate ? Why should we kept hatred in our heart? Why don't we make peace with people that hate us and live a joyous and meaningful life? GOD is always up in above watching each and every steps we take, we should take each steps carefully so that we don't fall on DEVILS traps. My life is complicated and I have committed so many sins that I can't forgive myself even if GOD forgiven me. But after so long, things just have to change for the sake of happiness and for the sake of myself and the love ones. I have to many wonderful friends around me, and my family is always there for me what else do I have to ask for? All I can say is thank GOD for giving me this wonderful friends. And I do believe that from all the mistakes I have made since I'm a teenager, I do learn something valuable there.

So my brothers and sisters and friends, life is an endless adventure. Explore the adventure and make it colorful and meaningful. Life is too short to be depressed and fucked up. Live the life to the fullest while we still breathe, see, smile, smells, eat, feels, cry. Do not wait till the day we breathe for the last time and regret about every single thing on earth.

Auntie Catherine

Today my auntie, Catherine turns 55. She is the best auntie I ever had. She is always there whenever I found myself helpless, whenever I'm sad and whenever I'm happy. She is always praying and asking GOD to help me, guide me and protect me away from harm. Now that is her birthday and I can't be there with her to celebrate because she left to Australia with my uncle for an vacation. All these years, she have always been my favorite auntie. She always cooked my favorite food, baked my favorite cookies whenever I spent my weekend with her at Damansara. The reason why I love to spend my weekend there with her , is because my second brother's baby girl , Isabelle is there with them and the smells of her food and the surroundings. It feels like paradise when I'm home. When Sunday morning strikes, we will all go to church together. That kinda feeling words can't describe. They are my medicine when I'm sick. I just wish that one day I can make them proud of me just like when they are proud of my sister, Ashley. She will be back from Australia i guess most probably next week. I promised her a surprise when she came back from her vacation. But what kills me is I can't figure out what sort of surprise should make for her ? Should re-make her birthday party or bring her out for a dinner instead? Just hopefully when she arrives KL , I've got all the plan sorted out :D I haven't seen them for a while, like 5-6 month :( They have been calling me to come back home but there were something that kept me away from home. But now, nothing is gonna kept me from home ever again. I miss the food, the cozy bed, my little doggy, Coby, my second brother's baby girl, Isabelle and every single thing in that house. I can't wait to go home this coming weekend. But before that, I'm going to my pep-sister's house tomorrow till Thursday and will be going to airport next Monday to pick up my baby boy. My day was just too fine till i slept and wake up in the evening. Cyberjaya is too cold to get up from the bed. Raining since the morning, the wind is blowing up my mind, the weather is awesome today. ERMMMMMM... wondering what is gonna happen tomorrow. I wish tomorrow is gonna be a nice and awesome day.

My RoMeO

What is it with love? That makes me then breaks me?When in love do i truly love ?Is it really love or do I think that I love?Maybe I just love being in love or love the idea being in love?I spent my whole life chasing love, in the end the one thing I truly love , could just be the Meir pursuit of happiness. My mother always told me that true love comes around only once in life. I never believed that until I met you. I now know what true love means, for never have I loved someone as I love you. We met each other back in October ( Abu Bakar's Restaurant ) , where the day you set an eye on me by editting my profile picture in facebook. Since then we started our relationship as a friend till the day i gave u my number. The second place we both went to is McDonald where i spent my whole weekend with you in your red room. Each day pass and my feelings get deeper, I began to fall for you. I fall for your personality, your understanding, your craziness and I love myself while I'm being around you. You said you love me and I said I love you, the sweetest moment that we both spent together makes me love you more and more each day. Eventhought we fought , cried but our loves and trust remains strong and there are nothing that can tears us apart. Ur the love of my life, I can never live without you. You taught me right from wrong, you cheered me up whenever I'm down, the care you given makes me felt like I'm the most luckiest in the world to have you. You're the guy in my fantasy, the guy I want to spent the rest of my life with, the guy I want to have a family with. I will never deceive you , never gonna hurt you. You have the perfect smile that brighten up my day. You're the only one I need, now and forever. May GOD bless our relationship, never let DEVILS tears us apart and may HE grant us eternal happiness. I love you babe .

Ditched ?!

Have you ever had that feeling when you go away for some time,

then when you come back again, you became a stranger to the people
who you thought you knew so well ?

Maybe you have too committed a group a friends and they will never do that to you, KUDOS I say but I, along with other millions of people have become the unlucky ones here.

For some reason distance does pose a problem. When you're away from a group of friends due to studies, work etc, life will definitely go on, but without you. Thus sparks new private jokes, new hangouts, gossip... Stuff that you don't have the slightest idea about.

They could update you, but it's just not the same, everytime you come back from that distant place, they'll be laughing about something you totally don't know about. You'll be the odd one out with that funny "huh?" look on your face.

Sometimes it's also because you don't have something that they have that creates the exclusion ( like in my case ) . It sort of the "you don't understand" syndrome. Because I don't have something or someone, I don't know what it feels like. So when they share something, I can't share anything because " I don't know how is it like to *blah* and *blah* "

So my dear friends, when someone comes back from somewhere after sometime, please give him or her a warm welcome. It's not the place that they miss, and they don't come back because they miss the food and what not, they love and care enough for their friends to come back and spend time.

How I wish they could see me now, they have no idea how much I miss them. They're having something tonight and I wasn't in the list. Ditched.