GooDBye 2010 !!

Today's the last day of 2010 and tomorrow are 2011. I can't believe that my whole night are filled with tears, sadness and all of the hurtful feeling. Everyone are getting ready to get to clubs for the countdown and the others are off to some romantic vacation , while me , just in the room, my eyes are swollen, can't see anything clearly and it's just arghhhhh !! I just don't know myself anymore ...

" I don't want to be in a relationship with you or any other girls anymore. I just want to be single and want to have fun with my friends and be alone " This word that came out from his mouth are like the thousand knifes strikes right through my heart. I just can't believe that MIDO said this to me... Goshhhh.... why does it have to be like this ... no !! no !!! I don't want to end it this way , GOD please. No matter how hard I tried to talked to him , seems like ain't no shit is gonna change his mind ! Oh Lord, I just don't feel the whole of my body weight and I almost fainted. I found myself crying and crying so hard. I need a hug , a big one.. I can't handle this one. What have I done to deserve all of this? I know that what I have done before was a huge mistakes but please I don't want to lose him !!

I hate goodbyes , I hate break up , I hate hurting , I hate all of these feelings , is killing me inside. Having no one to talk to and no one to understands me ! I feel so all alone, I had enough of losing , I don't want an extra one because it's FUCKING hurt !! When will I be able to find happiness again ? When does my new life book gonna start ? It's always begin with smile and joy and end up with tears. I guess that it's my destiny that I shall walk this journey alone. Someone told me last night , everybody went through some break up shits and yeahh , they are sad but after that , they moved on. But what if you are just so much crazy in love with someone and all your previous relationship are not more than 3 month but this particular one that you are crazy about are with you for almost 1 year and half ? And the both of you been through whole lot of shits , memories everywhere !! Tell me now, what are you going to do ?

Guess mother was right, I ain't suitable for the love thing. Each time I fell in love, each time I get hurt, the hurt that are inside my heart cost me some serious shit. Right now, all I have to worried about are COLLEGE ! that's all because these are the things that keep spinning in my brain and costs me butterflies whenever I'm thinking about it. hahaha COLLEGE ... whooohooo... is a whole new stories and adventure there ! Can't wait to feel a college air and get my heads in the tonnes of assignments and examination ! Finally my wishes are granted ! Ain't no body is perfect in this world , we make mistakes , we screw things up, but then we forgive and move forward ! I'm not perfect, the mistakes that I have made throughout my entire life , are way more than you think it could be. But the thing is that, I just need to wake up from this bad dream and stop the entire bad things that I have been doing, well then I will have people around me again and maybe TRUST !

But when I looked into his eyes , I sensed that he still cares about me and still love me. Is it end or not yet , that shall see what is going to happen when he came back from ALAMANDA. Let's hopes for the best, I realized a lot of things now. I should have just be matured and I know that GOD is with me. With no fear , will I fight this feeling.

Sleep-less NIGHT !!

I found myself hard to sleep these days. Why there so much of un-ending story between me and MIDO ? Why I can't get him out of my brain, my heart and my vision? He deleted me from facebook but why do I even care ? Why does my heart beats like the speed of light whenever he comment on the other girl's wall or send the other or as well edit those girl's some pictures ?

Being so closed with him tonight but can't even hug him or kiss him or even tell him how much I miss him and need him once again in my life. He barely look at me in the eyes, we barely even talk and now that he is sleeping and I'm wondering alone here in front of the laptop writing this blogg. I was just wondering if I made a mistakes by coming to Kajang to meet him. I remember that I told my mother that I want to go to college so badly and they agreed finally but in one condition, "AM I READY TO SACRIFICES " ??

Gosh..!! I hate this feeling, feeling of broken heart and pain in my heart where words can't describe how much it hurts. There are many people out there that want to date me out and want me even to be their other half but I see nothing on them. MIDO are the only one that filled my eyes and my heart. Gosh..! Now that I don't know what is going to happen when he is awake, he told me that we will discuss about " US " ..

Maybe there is no more us and maybe , maybe .... arghhhh I really don't know... Why do I come here in the first place? knowing that nothing I can do and knowing that I can't turn back time to the day before we fight. Why ? Having a cigarette on my hands and controlling myself not to cry while writing this blogg, I felt like piece of shit .. A useless me !! GOD , I need a sign! please , I'm begging u !! I have nothing left on me, I'm a mess , a huge mess where I have lost every single thing around me , FRENS , LOVE , HOPE , TRUST , CONFIDENCE AND PRIDE. I've got nothing left in me !! DAMMNNN... nobody ever knows what it feels like to be JOEY ANABELLE GONZALEZ !! I might always have a smile on my face , being a crazy friends but deep down , my heart is torn into a zillion pieces , I swear I'm freaking regret of what I have done with my life. Wishing that I could turn back time where I was born or maybe where I was a teenagers. But this just ain't going to happen.

When will I ever be happy and have a new life again ? When will the angel ever appeared again and protect me from all these hurts ? I don't think there might be an angel for someone like me. Guess that right now, the only friend that I have got left is this blogg. This blogg truly understands me and is the laptop that kept my secrets. Someone might thought that what is wrong with girl? she is always coming up with the new stories. But the fact is that , being JOEY ANABELLE GONZALEZ is the worse and suckest thing I ever had in my life and I began to hate myself. If I ever write a book , I guess the story of my life will be an un-ending story because the pain, the love and the adventure I have been through are uncountable and words can't describe.

Broken - Hearted Girl !

hurmmm,, few days without an internet is really torturing! But finally found one here so I'm just gonna tell you what I have been doing whole day and what happen the whole day.

I was struggling to sleep last night. I always told my friend that I will forget about MIDO, but it's not as easy as I thought it could be. All the memories just flashes by and I found myself hard to closed my eyes and sleep last night. Only GOD knows how much I missed this guy but what else I can do? He doesn't want to see my face ever again and there is nothing else I can do, even there is but it might sound stupid. I woke up kinda late today and was cleaning the house and watching movies. Suddenly, a crazy idea came across my mind, called MIDO and asked him if I can see him for the last time tomorrow - 31 december. To my surprise, instead of the ringtone that I've always heard, I found his voice on the line , I almost cried but I controlled myself. I asked him if I can meet him tomorrow, he said why don't I just come right now, straight away, because he will be busy tomorrow and he can't see me after that.

So I've decided to go for the last time , just to talked to him and see how things going and if it don't work out like what it used to be then I vowed to leave him alone and totally forget about him! The moment I reached Kajang , my hand is cold as ice, I had butterflies all over my stomach and the moment he is next to me, my lips is sealed and I'm speechless as in no words came out of my mouth. We both sat down inside the room and he just looked at me and asked me what do I want to talked about. I looked at him and before I could open my mouth he asked me why did I do all of that, I was about to answer the question but he said just forget about it and he is tired of asking the same question all the time. I almost cried, but I controlled myself and I asked him if there are any possible way that we can get back together again. He answered me I don't know. Gosh, my heart broke into a thousand pieces and is pain like a thousand knifes strikes to my heart ! He gave me his back , I looked at his back , GOD knows how badly I want to hug him and tell him I need him again but I can't.

I did not stay any longer , I went to balcony and I can't help it anymore. I started to cry and GOSHHHHH !! I didn't even find any guts to tell him that I've got accepted to VICTORIA UNIVERSITY and will be leaving on february for the february intake ! He still thought that I'm lying to him but I'm not anymore , but is okie ,, guess that this time , he just don't want me anymore and he just don't need me anymore. Watching the others having fun with their loves one and cuddling, I'm just all alone. I'm trying to be as strong as I can but I'm not strong enough as anyone thought I am .

Oh GOD , please help me. I know that the one that are gonna read this blogg might be mad or maybe draw a distance from me but i just want you know that to forget someone you loved, it takes time and I just crazy about him. It's hard for me to let it go but time will proved everything. Now that my life is a messed , all of this make me afraid of losing again. I have lost all hope , trust and maybe I won't be able to feel love again because the hurt and the torn in my heart takes time to heal. Besides I have lost all of my pride and I need sometime to find it again. The only person I have left is just GOD and my family. I have lost all of my friend and the other half of me are all gone.

If MIDO ever read this blogg , i guess he will know what it feels to write this blogg of mine. I found myself sometimes crying and laughing whenever I described how my life are in this blogg. The whole thing here are all the truth and things that I have been through. Just so you know that, I have enough of losing, I can't beared another loss. I will be torn apart. Please GOD , help me on this. tell me what I should do and please do make me stronger to walk through this journey of yours. I really don't want to mess up my life again. Please GOD, give me a sign , tell me what I should do !!

STEP UP !!

Am back again !

this time with a whole new stories.. guess even you won't believe what I'm gonna describe down here! 'm going back to college!! yeahh seriously , no jokes. I spend my Christmas talking to my mother and my auntie about this. I just have to because life ain't easy without a qualification. Is hard to look for a job without a diploma or a degree. Each and every company in Malaysia expectations are getting higher and higher due to the economies and the political changes. Besides, I'm never gonna be 20 years old , one day I will get old and have a family . So do you think , without a qualification , will I ever gonna get a good husband ? What if I have a kids , what am I gonna tell my kids about myself ? They would probably be embarrassed when someone asked about their mother .

I have a really bad memories here in Kuala Lumpur , Malaysia. A bad memories in a way that , I have been in rehab and I have been a really bad girl to my family and even to the people around me. The SEX life and every single thing. The only way to step up is to sacrifice all of the fun and get out of Malaysia to study , get a better life and get a better future. I just have start off with stop the " LIES " . That's the only choices I have. I have been thinking a lot these days. My family have always wanted to watch me graduate in an University, but I failed them. I let them down many times, I disappoint them. My mother are getting old , one day she will pass away . If she does , what is gonna happen to me ?

I just have to make up my mind as soon as possible because, my auntie ,she offered herself to help me on this , I mean with the financial part.

But I don't want to stay in Malaysia anymore , I want to get out of this country. I really have to. All I ever wanted is that, my family can trust me . I really prayed that they can trust that I can get a good result and are ready to study real hard. I will proved to them. I just need trust. I'm ready to sacrifice everything , and I swore I won't turn them down again. I will do whatever it takes ! GOD , I just need this chance for the freaking last time ! GOD , If I ever get this chance I swear , I will do my very best and I will graduate , and get my self-confidence back. Please pray for me people, prayed that my family will help me and prayed that nothing is gonna come to my way. Ain't nothing gonna stop me this time. Please GOD , only you and my family can help me. I won't let you down again!

CraZiE WeeKeNd !!

I had the craziest weekend ever!! Can't believe that all of my buddies and hubby are way more crazy than I am. Mido went to Amanah to study. He got like 3 assignments and 3 quiz coming up soon and he needs to do a whole lot of revision. I did helped him a little bit but he can't study well while he is with me, because he will be talking and joking around with me. He went back around the evening and he promised me that he will be right back when he is done with his studies. So I stayed at home along with Ali and Yaya. It was kind of bored without him but he left me no choice, besides I just had to understands his situation. :) It's cool , had my dinner at KFC with them and then we went to the other apartment to pick Barnawi and Naju to go to Alamanda for a movie. They were amazed with my new hairstyles .. hahha guess that this new styles really suits me and they all liked it. We went to Burger King to meet up the other guys .. My hubby is there, so it make us 10 in a group, Sam , Adnan , Fatoot , Fikre , Mido , Barnawi , Naju , Yaya , me and Ali.

They planned to watch a movie and already bought the ticket, but its a midnight movie . We have like extra 2 hours before the movie started, so Ali decided to go to Karaoke!! hahahhaha ... all of us went crazy at the Karaoke , we were jumping , shouting , screaming and dancing besides that we are all as if new borns monkey doing some crazy stunts .... It was the best night ever !! We were there for an hour to pass our times while waiting for the movie ,,,, At the end of the Karaoke , Mido sang arabic song ,,, I didn't know that he can sing so well ... Gosh , It was the craziest and I will never forget ..

After that , we head to the cinema, the movie is about to start , we bought some popcorns and chips . The movie's name is FAIR GAME. It's the most boring and racist movie I ever saw , its all talking about Saddam Hussein and Daaammmn !!! We went out of the cinema after like an hour or two... The best night had to come to an end when we are tired and most of us are sleepy .. We went back home , and Mido came home after like an hour ... I really enjoyed my weekend and I wished that everyday is the good day and please I want no more fight after this , really can't handle another havoc ! So I'm going to cooked the spaghetti now , see ya'll soon :)

Just Wants To see U !!

Was wondering around midvalley yesterday looking for job, Banu woked me up around 7am to showered up go to Midvalley with her. She worked there at this Sony Company. She worked there for quite a long time. I've found like 10 jobs offering good salary. So I arrange some interview with them, filled up the application form that they give me. Was hanging around the area till afternoon, went to Starsbucks for some coffee . Was looking at my mobile phone and thought of texting Mido and see how is he doing. Since he won't have any classes the next day, so I text him to see if he wants to meet up. To my surprised, he replied and said he would want to meet me after he woke up around 8pm. My heart is blooming as autumn. Can't believe he wants to see me after the last time we had a big fight. So I'm counting hours till 8pm.

When the it's almost 8pm, Banu drove me back to her place and I helped her to cleaned up the house. What was in my mind is that should I tell her the truth that I'm going to meet Mido ? She told me before that never tell anyone that I'm back to Kuala Lumpur including Mido besides she doesn't want me to meet him as well. So I had came up with the different stories that I went back to Damansara to meet my relatives. She drove me to the train station and I took a train to Serdang station were Mido is waiting for me.

When I reached there to the Serdang Station, he was surprised with my new hair style. I'm so freaking nervous when I get in the car, I just missed him to bits and I can't believe he is in front of me right now. I'm trying to controlled myself all the way to his house, that I can't take it anymore. I told him how nervous I am and how much I missed him. I almost cried but I told myself not to. God, I just loved this guy so much and words can't describe how much this guy mean to me. It was the best night of my life, I get to breathe again , but I'm just wondering If he feel the same way too?? He told me he missed me, but I have to worked real hard to proof it to him and talk without action means nothing. Guess that he is right.

Right now, what I have to do is get all my life planned and stable. Get a job , a room that what is in my mind , and thats what I have to concern. I have to put Mido aside for a moment and concentrate for all these things. Once all these 2 things is in my hands, it will be under controlled and I don't have to be afraid anymore if he would leave me or not.Well after all that , then I can think about getting Mido back.

Now , I'm just gonna live with no worries as I had before. Just do my thangs and behave myself. Be a good girl and make the whole of my family proud of me including Banu. I know this day is about to come :) To all my friends and families please pray for me, for ur prayers and blessings will gives me strength and courage. Amen !

NiGhTMaRe !!

It's been a while since I logged in to this blog and wrote some stuff that people called it " online diary " . This whole month have been a creepy nightmare for me and I don't think I'm awake from this dream still.

My real nightmares begins right after my birthday. It was a perfect surprise birthday I ever had. My little romeo , Mido gave me a surprise birthday bash which only my close friends are there with me. I had a real fun till the next day that I woke up with an awkward feeling in my heart. He came in the room with a stressful face telling me that one of his friend , FATOOT, his cousin is back and he needed the room we are currently staying . He told me that he got no choice but to go back to his hostels but the only things he's worried about, is me! He asked me where will I go and where will I be staying. As for me, it happened so suddenly and I didn't know what to said. I told him maybe I might as well go back to Malacca or go back to Cyberjaya because I have a job interview the following morning. So he said alright and he drove me home. We both didn't have any conversations along the way till we reached cyberjaya. He was so freaking angry with his friends and he just can't believe what just happened.

The moment that I reach home, it was all alright but till I went for dinner with my friend. I felt like there is something gonna happened and this time is something serious but not something tiny. Approximately after 2 hours, Mido called me and he started questioning me. He asked me what are my relationships with MOE , and have I slept with him or even kissed him. I told him NO and I explained to him that MOE is my best friend and we are like siblings. But he don't seems to accept the explanation and started doubting me.Besides MOE , he also asked me what are my relationships with this Kenyan dude from APPIT university. I said we are friends. All I heard is that , I'm lying to him and he doesn't believe me and he said, one of his friends called him and tell him things about me, things which are dirty! He closed the phone in my face. I was crying as hell , tried to called him but he ain't picking up. Gosh, I can't believe this is happening. My boyfriend is doubting on me.

Things went really bad till I had to go back to Malacca because he wanted me to. I went back to Malacca for like a week. It was a torturing week, as for he asked for break up and he said even if we get back together again, he will never trust me again!! I was crying and torturing myself, end up in the hospital for low-blood pressure. Why does this have to happened to me ? It's just so soon. Why does the others love to ruin someone else's' relationship ? What benefit will they get after that ?

A week later, I called him once again. Mido told me that I should forget him for a while , find myself , get a job and start a new life. But if I ever want him back, I need to stablelize myself with a job and my own room. And that he will trust me again. But right now, seems like he don't feel anything about me anymore. So all I had to do is get myself a great job and be a strongest girl ever. I've got to stop fantasizing that me and Mido are gonna stay forever. It never gonna be and he will never married me. I'm just wondering , what do I mean to him ? A doll ? A lover ? or a girl for pleasure ? I really don't know !

Now that I'm back on track , I just have to concentrate on what I'm doing. I have to put my family as my first priority and my sister , BANU ! She helped me a lot , and there is nothing that I could do to repay her ! But one thing that I know is , MIDO , I'm no longer that BELLA you used to know , I'm a totally different girl right now. A girl that looking forward to the brightest future and strongest girl fulled with self confidence, trust and faith. So if I'm just a pleasure to you, why don't you just let me know instead of torturing me like this. I'm crying over here day and night , what about u ? Did you ever think about me when you're about to sleep ? Did you think about me when you're about to eat your daily meal ?

If all this was just a nightmare , GOD please wake me up ! I don't want to stay any longer in this nightmare ! I can't handle this anymore !