New Start But Depressed !!

Guess that I haven't been in this blog for like a week and half. Things have been such a hectic and I began to tremble. Been such depressed these days .

My honey bun just got back from Saudi Arabia like last week. I was supposed to feel happy and excited about he finally come back here to Malaysia. But I'm wondering why I didn't feel that way; Instead of feeling happy, I feel scared but deep down I just felt like is this a dream that he has got back. Barnawi and Naju came to picked me up from cyber and we all go to the airport to pick Mido up. The moment that I saw him, I just want to ran to him and hug him tight but there were too many people around so I just have to wait till we reached home.

We spend the whole week together till he decides that I have to moved to Kajang. I wanted to stayed with him, It have been my biggest wished ever. But the problem is he doesn't know that actually I was lying about the job. I haven't got a job yet and I'm totally out of cash. I was trying so hard to get a job but the things is these days all the company are only hiring fresh graduates with certificates. Not someone like me .

Now that I got to know , I'm gonna be the only one staying in this new house and he is going back to his hostel. I feel so down. I know that he loved me and he wants the best of me but leaving me alone in this house , this just doesn't seems right. He told me this morning before he off to class, he will be going back to his hostel tonight because, he can't stayed out. The reason is , if he stayed with me , he won't be going to class. Instead waking up early , he will sleep the whole day. He told me like this semester is so much important for him to work on his GPA. No matter how sad I am, I just have to take it. I just have to be understanding and a positive thinker in this case.

I found like few jobs today and was calling them for the interview. Got an interview like 9am tomorrow @ Bu-kit Jalil. I prayed that I can get this job , is my only hope. I just can't stayed like this, jobless and money-less. Even mom didn't know about this. I was lying to mom about the job! GOD , how bad I am. But I've got no other choice, It would be such a embarrassment .

I have been such depressed about my life and I just can't stop thinking that I'm useless. My relationship status are, when he finished his studies , our love story is over. I don't want to end the relationship in this way , I love him so much. Even if he is older than me by 6 years , I'd still love him. Hema was right , I'm ready to die for this guy if I ain't have him with me. In order to make this relationship works successfully , I need to get myself a better job so that I don't have to depend on him all the time. Besides, I need to change my attitude and all sort of things. Just have to change 360 degree to be with this guy.

Am I ready for all this? This I have to asked my heart. Because, seriously , I'm getting older and for how long I want to depend on a guy for food and lodging ? I need to be independent. And after all , I know that I can do it .All I ever need is a CONFIDENT and TRUST in myself.

my brain is FUCKED UP !!

My brain is so freaking messed up. I can't handle this anymore, same shit every single day and it's just driving me crazy. I'm trying to fixed my relationships with this friend of mine. But seemed like I failed to do so, not failed actually, but I just gave up. I'm dead trying, I don't think its going to work out. I just can't take this shit anymore, same old routine every single day. The moment I woke up, the house is fulled of hatred, faces and all sort of bullshits. I can't handle this anymore, a day or two is okie but it's freaking throughout the whole week or maybe its been month already. I been blamed for causing problems, what did I do? I mean like I do know I did something awful but I'm trying to fixed the problem here, but the friend of mine just don't seems to co-operate with me.

Just a few days left and I will be leaving the house to a new apartment I guess. I just want to walk out through the door, I don't want to stay in house of pain. I need some peace of mind, somewhere I know who am I , somewhere I belong to, somewhere I can make some new plan for my future. I have so many dreams that I want to complete, so many things I wanted to do. But I just can't find anything in this house. I'm sick and tired of it already.

Only GOD knows how much it hurts deep down. Watching someone that used to be so closed with you selling himself shortly. Sometimes I'm stupid, sometimes I'm a baby, I do have a small brain, I prefer someone walk to me and tell me what have I done wrong. Straight forward is what best for me. I just hate when someone just have to turn a whole big round and tell me things. Plus, if you want to know who I really am and want to get closed to me, open up your heart and come clean and then I will do my part.

The more I talked about it, the more it hurts me inside. Enough of talking, I just don't care anymore! One thing for sure, I want to go away from all this! The moment I walked out this door is the moment where I won't turn back!

Sad and Stupid Wednesday !!

ermm... I can't believe that I slept the whole day last night. I wasted the whole day with sleeping. The moment I woke up, my pep-sister Banu called me. She wanted me to come over to her place but I'm just too broke to go over her place. Was trying to ask Mohammad if he got some cash with him, unfortunately, he was broke as well. So I decided to return Banu's call and told her that I can't make it. But seems like she is sort of disappointed. But I can't do anything, I'm just broke and I'm no that type of girl that just walk up to someone and say to them that I need money. That's just ain't me.

So I wake up and freshen up myself then I sat at the couch with my friends, Mohammad and some of the other guys. We all sat near the parlor and chilling. We all jokes around and one of Mohammad's friend, Mubarak is the Dj of the night. We had some tiny party till the morning. The night was awesome but getting a little emotional when I'm alone chatting on face-book. I remember that one friend of mine are not talking to me as we used to before and have been ignoring each other over 3 weeks now.

So I decided to write him a message in his inbox and apologize for what I have done and hope that he could forgive me. Well its EID by the way, so I thought it would be a good idea if I ask for forgiveness in these days. Because usually all the friends get along in these days and forgive each other mistakes. After I wrote him a message, I really prayed that he will read it. Yeah He did read it but he did not reply the message. As I thought before I send him the message, he will read it but he ain't going to reply. But is ok, I did my part so is up to him to do the same thing. I don't go begged for people like this.

My romeo called me late in the afternoon. We both chatted on Skype and DAMMED !! I miss him as hell, can't wait for him to come back and pick him up from the airport! I can imagine that day in front of me. He looked really awesome today, he shaved his mustache and he wear his traditional outfit! Seriously, he looked different and so much matured. He is the best honey pie I ever had and I really can't live without him. He means the world to me.

Now that everyone at home are sleeping, I feel so all alone again after my romeo went offline. Some of them are sleeping, some of them are with the laptop, chatting and other studying for the finals. Same old routine every single day really kills me inside. I just miss my mommy and I feels like going back home and I do really need a big hug from mommy. I do really missed her eventhough I called her day and night.

Just so that you know, my life is complicated as it seems. TOO many stories to tell and at the same time is kind of funny and u might be laughing or maybe thinking throughout this blog. I'm blessed with wonderful people around me that creates so many colorful scene in my life. Thank GOD for giving me these people around me.

My Sweetest Friends :)

These are all of my crazy friends that I found so many things we all share in commons. MARWAN, TD , MJ, FIKRI, BARNAWI, NAJU , BANU !! They are always there for me whenever I need their help, whenever I'm down. Besides we all loves travelling and there were this days that we went for vacations. Woow !! Can't stop smiling when all of these sweetest and craziest memories flashes back. We are all from different countries, different cultures but have the same thing in mind. We all wished that we can have a true friend and have a shoulder to cry on. I love all of them and they are all like a part of my family. Everything would be incomplete without these people around me. Sometimes, I found myself fantasies about all of us getting married at the same day, same date, same place. DAMN!! that would be crazy and dope!! Well fantasy always stays as a dream, I just wished that this dream will come true. If it ever come true, I will be the most luckiest girl in the world. We all fight, sulks with each other and sometimes suspicious about each other but in the end of the day we all realize how much valuable this friendship are. Despite the fighting, we all became as closed as a family and no one can tear us apart. I don't think that 1 day is enough for me to recite the stories of these crazies friends of mine. Lets starts off with MARWAN. He loves bob marley as hell, whenever you sat next to him in his car, you will be hearing him singing all of the bob marley song and he will be playing all of his collection through USB. TAREG or TD is somehow a womanizer. He loves to look around for hot chicks or some girls that suits his apetite, after all he is the funniest guy and a nice brother. MJ , or so called micheal jackson junior, is the most lovable and so called casanova in the group :D he loves to dance and he is the greatest dancer compare to me hhehe... he is a sweet and funny guy that loves to makes everyone laugh whenever we are chilling together. While BARNAWI is the dark-ass that everybody loves, he loves bling bling and mahyn!! he got styles !!hhahha ... :DD Well , about NAJU.. she is the most craziest girl I ever met, the girl that everyone wishes to be apart of and you can't go anywhere without tagging her along with you! BANU, she bacame my pep-sister ever since the day we get closer to each other, in a sense like I became part of her family. The way she take care of me, and the ways she treats me are just exactly the way she treats her sister. I love all these people so much, I'd rather die than hurt them. They are the best thing that ever happens in my life.

I just wished that the relationships and the bonds between us remains strong and our trust remains firmed and nothing can tear us apart. May GOD bless all of them, guide them and protects them away from harm. Grant them HAPPINESS, BLESSINGS AND ETERNAL LIFE . Amen .

GOODBYE IBRAHEM

Friendship is one of the main thing that makes life worthwhile. When you have a friend to confide in, suffering seems more bearable, and pleasures are more intense. Everything is better when you have a friend to share it with. When a friendship breaks, whether or not it is for the best, there is a degree of pain and mourning that an individual goes through. There were things that you may have done only with that person and you feel a void in your life. A guy that used to be my brother turns out to be so cold and mean at times. We have known each other for almost 2 years and half, we shared many things in common and we feel each other such as thoughts, words and every little thing.

Things began to changed when he came back from Saudi Arabia. We were still talking at the moment but all of a sudden, he began to ignored me and stay far away from me. He's suspicious on me for no reason, me and one of his friends, Mohammad, are closed friends and sometimes my brother are too busy to even asked or talk to me. S o the only person I can talk to and shared all the problems is Mohammad. He is a very understanding, besides he got all the solutions to all my problems. He is a unique guy in his own way. Unlike Ibrahem, he is trying to drift me away from anybody. He just wants me to stay close to him, sometimes whenever I went out with my friends, he will start questioning where will I be. I understands that he is worried about my safety and he is concern about me as like I'm his younger sister. But sometimes, when someone just don't trust you for whatever you do, things just don't work out.

The only things that I cried for are, we both been through whole lot of hard times, why is he not matured enough to see who I am and what I am. True friends are hard to find these days and there have not been any true friends around me until a few that appears in my life. All I can say is I'm just good with these few people around me, there is nothing more I want. Even if I have to lose you as my brother, I wont bother anymore because let the gones be bygones. We just have to leave all the past behind and live for the future.

So that you know, I have already delete you from my life. So just live your own life and stop putting all those faces in front of my friends and go get a life !!

My SisTer , Ashley .

With a coffee in my hand, I sit back and think about the yesteryears, where there is only me and her, my sister. She is the greatest gift of all.

We shared whole lot of things in common. I admired her style, her personality and honestly, I do make her as my idol. Everyone in the family love her. I do admit that sometimes I get jealous from her because she is the center of attention in the family.

We fight, we cried, but our loves remains so strong. I feel her in any different ways and we shared so many secrets. She is always there for me when I found myself helpless and when I'm down. I remembered there were the time that I can't wait for her to come back home from work, can't wait to hear her stories of what happened in her work place. I was such a bad kid when I was young till my mother decide to stop questioned about me, and stop those care she used to gave me. My sister quit her job because she wanted to play the mother's role to me. She take good care of me, she assigned me to a new school. She did so much things for me when I was young, but yet I failed to gained her trust and I even failed to make her proud of me. I'm so much regret for the things I have done before. I just wished that there would be a time machine to rewind back to the time when I was young . So that I can showed her how much I loved her and how much she means to me. Now that she is far from me, I've lost the other part of me. We hardly chatted online, we hardly seen each other. She is busy with her work and she is even engaged. I just can't believe that I've missed so many stories that is happening around her. The only memories that can't stop playing in my brain are the moments when we both have a great time together and we both sleep on the same bed together. I just can't stop laughing when I remembered how angry she was when she found out that I was using her perfumes and wearing her clothes without her permissions. The only persons that remember when is birthday and get a birthday cake for me is you. You did so much things to make me happy and so many other things to showed me how much you care about me, but I was failed to showed you the same thing you done for me.

All I can say now is, my sister, you mean the world to me. I love you so much. I'm sorry for all the things that I've done, I'm sorry if I have failed to make you happy when you are with me. Right now, I just can't wait for you to come back and spent time with you. You are the best thing that ever happen to me. I'm lucky to have a wonderful sister like you. I just wished that you feel the same way too. I love you sis, May GOD bless you and protects you away from harm.

My Life.

I remember the days, when my mind used to be overrun with emotions and thoughts of all things goods and the worst. A s time went by with each new day, and with a brand new life to look forward to, my mind emptied itself in a flash, just like that. With a glass of mountain dew in my hand, I sit back and think about the yesteryears. Smiling at the change that has taken over me and the life that I have been blessed with now. Strolling down the memory lane, unafraid of the future blinded by the ecstasy of living. Eventually, with wide eyes open, I've come to understand that, something, including life, change for the better. You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of and you will never live if you can't stop searching for the meaning of life. This is what I realized after so long. Why should we hate ? Why should we kept hatred in our heart? Why don't we make peace with people that hate us and live a joyous and meaningful life? GOD is always up in above watching each and every steps we take, we should take each steps carefully so that we don't fall on DEVILS traps. My life is complicated and I have committed so many sins that I can't forgive myself even if GOD forgiven me. But after so long, things just have to change for the sake of happiness and for the sake of myself and the love ones. I have to many wonderful friends around me, and my family is always there for me what else do I have to ask for? All I can say is thank GOD for giving me this wonderful friends. And I do believe that from all the mistakes I have made since I'm a teenager, I do learn something valuable there.

So my brothers and sisters and friends, life is an endless adventure. Explore the adventure and make it colorful and meaningful. Life is too short to be depressed and fucked up. Live the life to the fullest while we still breathe, see, smile, smells, eat, feels, cry. Do not wait till the day we breathe for the last time and regret about every single thing on earth.

Auntie Catherine

Today my auntie, Catherine turns 55. She is the best auntie I ever had. She is always there whenever I found myself helpless, whenever I'm sad and whenever I'm happy. She is always praying and asking GOD to help me, guide me and protect me away from harm. Now that is her birthday and I can't be there with her to celebrate because she left to Australia with my uncle for an vacation. All these years, she have always been my favorite auntie. She always cooked my favorite food, baked my favorite cookies whenever I spent my weekend with her at Damansara. The reason why I love to spend my weekend there with her , is because my second brother's baby girl , Isabelle is there with them and the smells of her food and the surroundings. It feels like paradise when I'm home. When Sunday morning strikes, we will all go to church together. That kinda feeling words can't describe. They are my medicine when I'm sick. I just wish that one day I can make them proud of me just like when they are proud of my sister, Ashley. She will be back from Australia i guess most probably next week. I promised her a surprise when she came back from her vacation. But what kills me is I can't figure out what sort of surprise should make for her ? Should re-make her birthday party or bring her out for a dinner instead? Just hopefully when she arrives KL , I've got all the plan sorted out :D I haven't seen them for a while, like 5-6 month :( They have been calling me to come back home but there were something that kept me away from home. But now, nothing is gonna kept me from home ever again. I miss the food, the cozy bed, my little doggy, Coby, my second brother's baby girl, Isabelle and every single thing in that house. I can't wait to go home this coming weekend. But before that, I'm going to my pep-sister's house tomorrow till Thursday and will be going to airport next Monday to pick up my baby boy. My day was just too fine till i slept and wake up in the evening. Cyberjaya is too cold to get up from the bed. Raining since the morning, the wind is blowing up my mind, the weather is awesome today. ERMMMMMM... wondering what is gonna happen tomorrow. I wish tomorrow is gonna be a nice and awesome day.

My RoMeO

What is it with love? That makes me then breaks me?When in love do i truly love ?Is it really love or do I think that I love?Maybe I just love being in love or love the idea being in love?I spent my whole life chasing love, in the end the one thing I truly love , could just be the Meir pursuit of happiness. My mother always told me that true love comes around only once in life. I never believed that until I met you. I now know what true love means, for never have I loved someone as I love you. We met each other back in October ( Abu Bakar's Restaurant ) , where the day you set an eye on me by editting my profile picture in facebook. Since then we started our relationship as a friend till the day i gave u my number. The second place we both went to is McDonald where i spent my whole weekend with you in your red room. Each day pass and my feelings get deeper, I began to fall for you. I fall for your personality, your understanding, your craziness and I love myself while I'm being around you. You said you love me and I said I love you, the sweetest moment that we both spent together makes me love you more and more each day. Eventhought we fought , cried but our loves and trust remains strong and there are nothing that can tears us apart. Ur the love of my life, I can never live without you. You taught me right from wrong, you cheered me up whenever I'm down, the care you given makes me felt like I'm the most luckiest in the world to have you. You're the guy in my fantasy, the guy I want to spent the rest of my life with, the guy I want to have a family with. I will never deceive you , never gonna hurt you. You have the perfect smile that brighten up my day. You're the only one I need, now and forever. May GOD bless our relationship, never let DEVILS tears us apart and may HE grant us eternal happiness. I love you babe .

Ditched ?!

Have you ever had that feeling when you go away for some time,

then when you come back again, you became a stranger to the people
who you thought you knew so well ?

Maybe you have too committed a group a friends and they will never do that to you, KUDOS I say but I, along with other millions of people have become the unlucky ones here.

For some reason distance does pose a problem. When you're away from a group of friends due to studies, work etc, life will definitely go on, but without you. Thus sparks new private jokes, new hangouts, gossip... Stuff that you don't have the slightest idea about.

They could update you, but it's just not the same, everytime you come back from that distant place, they'll be laughing about something you totally don't know about. You'll be the odd one out with that funny "huh?" look on your face.

Sometimes it's also because you don't have something that they have that creates the exclusion ( like in my case ) . It sort of the "you don't understand" syndrome. Because I don't have something or someone, I don't know what it feels like. So when they share something, I can't share anything because " I don't know how is it like to *blah* and *blah* "

So my dear friends, when someone comes back from somewhere after sometime, please give him or her a warm welcome. It's not the place that they miss, and they don't come back because they miss the food and what not, they love and care enough for their friends to come back and spend time.

How I wish they could see me now, they have no idea how much I miss them. They're having something tonight and I wasn't in the list. Ditched.