I've Got My Love Back !

Last night was indeed a night to remember. I will never forget what happened last night. He came back from his class around 12 in the midnight I guess. I did something completely stupid, I took 5 panadols at the same time , drank a bottle of beer before he got back home. So what happened was, I finally found some huge guts to walk up to him and told him that we both needed to talk. I told him that I'm sorry. I was sitting just few inches away from him. I wanted to hugged him so bad but then it seems like he was still mad at me. He just looked at me and my stupid tears just flow down from my cheeks and to my surprised, the hugged that I have been longing for. He finally HUGGED ME !! I broke down and cried so badly in his arms. I hugged him so tightly and I told him this will never in a million years happened again. I just love him so much and I don't want to lose him. I asked him if we could start all over again. He have done enough for me so right now is my turn to do my part. I thought that he will never say yes, I thought that he was still mad at me even though he is hugging me. But surprisingly is a YES!!!! Only LORD knows how happy I was and how.. goodness me!! Words can't describe how I felt last night. I noticed how much I love this man yesterday, I noticed how bad I needed him in my life. I noticed how much he have done for me and all of the happiness he had given me since the day 1 we both met each other. All I ever prayed for is that we can both be together and it doesn't matter how long it's going to be. To be frank, there is this tiny eenie thing that I'm worried about. He knows a-lot of girls and they all seems to like him. I felt weird whenever I read some posts on his facebook wall posted by some girls. Should I call that a JEALOUSY? It sounds normal for him but to me is weird. Sometimes I tried to just ask myself will he feel the same way if some other guy posted something sweet on my wall? I even have this thought that it is just so ridiculous that if we fight over everything that happens in facebook. I trust him more than anything and I know very well that he would not do anything that will hurt me or make me cry. You know what, I don't want to bother myself with this crap. I just hope that nothing is going happen after this, one time is more than enough and lesson learn! Oh Lord, you have watch over us all along. Please guide us through this journey oh Lord. Amen !

Nothing To Say

Can't imagine that I slept off for a little while. It's just a short nap actually since I did not sleep well last night. Well them housemates are back and he is back too. Wonder how this night is going to be like. How I wish if mama and papa is online, need some family moments to makes me feels better. But unfortunately, they aren't online. Going back to my aunt this coming Sunday and I'm actually counting days to go back. Didn't want to leave but what else can I do if this awkward silences kept coming through? Well seems like I'm officially back to the blogging life. Miss those days where I actually have all the free time to log in and to write about any crap that is inside of this big head. But then plenty of things kept me away from logging. I just prayed that there won't be any teary night and I just want to close my eyes and makes the night move faster. Wish the morning comes a little faster so it can reach Sunday and I will be back home. Did I eventually think too much? Because I seems to get depressed more than yesterday and all the appetite is gone. I don't feel like eating, don't feel myself at all. Sigh, this whole thing is killing me. Oh Lord, I want it to end right now. If it takes any longer I will end up dying. My mind is empty and is blank like a piece of white paper. Waiting for him to hug me once again is like waiting for the rain in this drought. For how long do I have to wait for him to actually talk to me like before and to look at me in the eyes again? If only I have a car, I will just take the keys and leave the house. Drive to somewhere far, to somewhere where no one can find me. To somewhere there is no depression and heart ache. My body is here in this house but the heart and soul is not here. He is just right next to me but the feeling of couldn't hug him nor talking to him like we used to is killing me. I'm logging out, the more I write , the more I'm gonna think about it.

Night and have a blessed day !!

Boyz II Men - More Than You'll Ever Know ft. Charlie Wilson

P.S I Love You

Having the song that I've just posted on replay. This song gives me goosebumps whenever I just close my eyes and let the song flow inside of me. I have been thinking about you throughout the day. Was wondering if you are going to come home tonight. The thought of you might be coming back and might not be coming home makes me weak. I wouldn't mind if you want to ignore me throughout the week, just keep me close with you is more than enough. Falling in love is easy but being in love is way harder than I could ever imagine. Too much of sacrifice you gotta make to be in this love. I'm not complaining, I'm ready to do it with my heart and soul but when just this mistakes comes through, everything starts to fall apart. Wonder why my blog is always about the broken heart me and is always about love. I have been through this much in relationship. Does the whole mistakes came from me? I think it is. This time it's just different, I just can't let go anymore, if I did, I know I will break down into pieces and I will never find someone like him ever again. How I wish if I am stronger than this. How I wish if I can handle this whole pain and make things right. The way he is right now, makes me feels like I will never have a chance to make things right. I saw disappointment in his eyes. He used to trust me more than anything, now that I have broke his trust. How will I able to gain it back? I'm so clueless and my mind is blank like a paper. Knowing he is gonna have to ignore me, makes me step one step backward. How much I want to feel his warm hug and his kiss but seems like it's not going to happen tonight. How will I be right here for the whole week? I want to leave but will he come back to me if I really leave? I can't imagine and I don't want to picture the how the whole image is going to be! How I wish if he knows that this blog do exists and how I wish if he could read this. What will his reaction be if he read this blog? Will he hug me tight or will he still stay a distance from me? I really hate myself, I blame myself so badly since yesterday even in my sleep. If I could have one wish, I will wish that I could turn back time to where the mistakes begin. Unfortunately, this wish will never come true. If it does, everyone on earth will make mistakes freely and turn back back time most of the time. Sometimes, I ask myself, who am I? Who is Anabelle? Where does the sweet Anabelle go? This wasn't the same Anabelle when she was a kid. This wasn't the same Anabelle my mother give birth to. Sitting in this room all alone, I'm thinking to myself. I'm such a bad girl, am I even perfect enough for him? Does this relationship really going to last forever? Am I even suitable enough to be his future wife? The answer is I DON'T KNOW. I don't predict future. But I know very well that I love him more than I love myself, more than my friends, more than my family. My family have always been my first priority, and he always comes next. But where did the respect goes? Where does the respect I used to gave him goes? Where does sweet princess he used to know goes? He always told me that crying isn't going to solve anything, but right now I am crying so badly. Because I'm letting go of what I felt inside, deep inside my heart. I don't really care he is one year younger than me. I love for who he is. He showed the different side of love that no other man in my past relationship have. He gave me everything, he did everything just to see that smile on my face. He complete my world. But what did I make for him in return? Knowing there is nothing I can do to make him not to ignore me, kills me badly!! Just want you know that I will always be right here waiting. I know you still have that tiny feeling for me. With love we can always make it, I just can't imagine not having you by my side. May the God almighty see us through. And may we pass this test he have given us, AMEN .

Is this LOVE or is this a SUICIDE ?

Afternoon young world. I bet each and everyone of you are having a very hectic day either at high school or college. Well as for me I'm actually having a week off from my work place. I will be starting college, the new semester next year. I woke up this morning with a teary eyes, my eyes was half swollen. I have been crying since yesterday. I tried to think in way that sometime things happens for a reason. But then the thought of Rony have been ignoring me the whole nights, kills me deeply. Actually I have already stopped, as in quit smoking cigarette for a long while but then the pressure that I had last night makes me started it again. I know that this wasn't an excuse but cigarette makes me feels better for a while. Lord only knows how much he means to me. He have been there for me through the good times and bad times. I was just a lost girl before he met me, I was just a girl trying to get back up on my feet and juggling with both studies and work. But when he came into my life , he brings light, hope and love. He treat me like a queen, he is always there to advice me, always there to teach me right from wrong. But just one stupid mistakes I created, it just ruin up everything. How I wish if I could turn back time to where the mistakes begin, I would never do that and would never think of doing that. But we can't turn back time. It already happen, I understand that he needs some space and time. But by ignoring me to this extend, it kills me. It feels like a suicide. Why didn't he just took a gun and shoot me to death instead of torturing me like this? If he needed a time and space , why didn't tell me to leave? Me? Me staying here for a week and does that means he is gonna ignore me for the whole week? I think of leaving without letting him know but I am afraid to do so. I'm afraid if I'd just leave, he will never come back to me again. Have I been thinking too much? I don't even know. There are 6 tablets of panadol, I felt like taking them all but then what is the point of me committing suicide? It is not gonna fix anything . I'm now all alone at this house, nobody is around. How I wish if I have the guts to ask them housemate not to go anywhere but I just don't have the guts to do so. This all alone crap makes me think even more, makes me cry even harder and makes my heart ache even worse. Why do we need LOVE? What is the definition of LOVE in a man's perspective ? One question Rony asked me last night crush me down and breaks me into pieces. "Do you think we can last forever?" and before I could even answer his question, 4 words kills me deeply " I don't think so" . Hearing this 4 words coming out from his mouth are worse than a suicide. I understand that the chances he had been giving me and the tolerance that he have done , none of them other man will ever do it. Oh Lord, why makes me so stupid and blind to even think about creating this silly mistakes? I bring this to my own and now what can I do to get him back? Will I ever have him back in my life again or he will be gone forever? Oh Lord, I really need your advice and I need you to show me the way out , Oh Lord. I'm begging you with cross fingers and I'm down on bended knees. My heart can never take another heart break. One more heart break and it will kills me worse than a suicide. I don't know what to write anymore.

p/s : how i wish if I could u hug you so tightly and never let go of you Rony. You have the space and all the time you needed. Whatever happen and whatever your decision are, you have my full respect. There is just one thing I want you to know that I will never love someone else like I love you and you will always be my one and only. I gave up everything to GOD. I have been crying since yesterday. I have no appetite at all since yesterday. If only I have the guts to run to you and hug you tightly, but I just don't have the guts . And when I look at your eyes, it seems to ask me to leave. Rony, I love you and I will always do.

have a good evening everyone and god bless

Love and Relationship

Sitting here all alone. Thinking about you, thinking about me, thinking about us. My tears slowly flow down my both cheeks. Why am I this weak when it comes to LOVE? There is this poem that I thought I can dedicate them to you. My tears are that stubborn, no matter how hard I tried to stop them from falling down, they just won't listen.

I thought of you today but that's nothing new

I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too

For everyday good or bad you'll always be in my head

I hope you've understood everything I've said

this isn't just a joke or a silly lie

I'd never do anything to make you wanna cry

I'm sorry if I do something to make you really mad

it only comes back and makes me really sad

I really do love you and everything you are

I hope this relationships gets really far

I'll never get you out I simply don't know how

in fact I'm thinking of you right about now

you're everything I need and everything to me

you know exactly who you are and who you want to be

you always make me smile just by being there

I hope you know how much I really do care

every time I think of you my stomach seems to twist

this is why I love you, I've made a huge list

the list goes on forever and never will it end

neither will our relationship you'll always be my friend

not just a simple friend but a special friend at that

I want to spent my whole life with you.

Rony, I just prayed that you could forgive me if I have always been this stubborn to heed most of your advice. I just need you that much that I can't let you go. You have become my other half. You know me more better than I do myself. You have been there for me through the bad times and good times. How I wish if you could just walk out of that room right now and hug me tightly and whisper in my ear telling me that you will never leave me because I am still your number one lady. Oh Lord, please help me through. You have watch me all along. Whatever my destiny was, I will give it up to you.

Life and GOD

It's been so long since I last logged in to this blog of mine and crap about whatever I have in this messed up brain of mine. This month aren't treating me any better. Too many ups and downs. There were the times feels like giving up but then there are some things that keep pulling ma tail back on track. God used to tell us and even in his bible is written that temptation is everywhere, but if our faith is strong, whatever happens , we will definitely finds the way out in the name of GOD. Matter fact, I know this facts but is always I choose to follows the devils. Loving the fun, the party and being in the center of attention, didn't I notice that all of this road I've choose there is a price to pay. Each day, I watch myself getting older and older. The clock is ticking, time machine is moving faster than the day before. My future seems to be tangling around, I don't see myself standing in the eyes of the world. What is happening to me? Something must have went wrong. My family are getting older and older and one day I would need to gave them shelter and treat them the way they used to. But if my future seems tangling around, how would I do that for them in return? I closed my eyes and asked for GOD's advice and directions. Then I realize, GOD has it own reason why he remove someone from our life. Each of our destiny are already written. Whether life is sucks or life is hard, it is just a test from GOD. If our faith are strong, no matter how hard the road is, we will manage to find the way out. Life might knocks you down but you can choose whether or not to get back up.

Actually , the truth is this isn't the topic that I wanna share with everyone but because when I talk about GOD, it makes me calm and forget about the pain that I'm going through now. Sometimes, when you in a deep pain, a soothing words from any word of GOD can calm you down and makes you feels alive. I truly believe in GOD, the lord almighty. I gave up my heart and soul to HIM.